Yes, it has been a long while. Many apologies for that. Since I last posted, my weight has gone up 20 pounds. Good news though, more than a year at the job. Started jogging again - man it is cold. Got the thumbs up from the eye doctor, my maculla is 100 percent normal, got to keep sugar in control, so the blood vessels in the eye can heal. The scintilating vision thing has disappered. My reaction to my wife leaving me, really did me in. Well, that's past, now just to stay strong.
ADHAD, well, after a long time on Adderal, I'm going off of it. I have. It wasn't providing enough of a benefit, and it just made me STOOOOOOPID.
What I mean is that, my thoughts were more focused, but they were also so slow, that I couldn't accomplish anything. What this means. The mediation didn't magically "fix" my issues with organization. It wasn't like the movie "Limitless" - G-d how sometimes I wish there was a pill that just did that. No, there isn't, and the medication wasn't doing what I had hoped. If I "spin out of control" I'll go back on that med, or try something new, but. . .
Now, as actually it always was, it is up to me. I may get distracted, but I've learned to bring myself back. I've learned to start planning in advance. Work backwards, so to speak. If want this to happen, then I need to have that happen before, and before, and etc. Yeah, sure I can adapt on the fly, and fix most things, but that is a bonus, and too exhausting to live my life like that. I did it for years, and now I've built habits to counteract them. Heck I'm writing a budget - I love building spreadsheets, not so much fun doing the data entry, but still. Making myself a budget. Always talked about it, but never did it. Good for me, pay attention to life.
The girls, this was an excellent week, NO yelling or fights. Well, not from me, Abigail still gets angry. It's hard, I've realized how much like me she is, in her temperment and her thought process. I don't want to be an anger role model for her, so that's it. She yelled at me both this morning, and I did use a stern voice, but also a soft and loving when she calmed down. Wehn my wife and I were together, I once said that being a husband was the toughest job I had, and being a father the most important. I think she was upset that the order wasn't reversed. I suppose that the truth is that being a dad is the hardest and most important job.
I want Abigail to learn to express disappointment and upset without yelling and screaming, and Sadie without whinning (I'm not sure which is worse.) So I work very hard with Abigail, slowly, slowly, maybe she is getting it. We will see, I just don't want her to have that ingrained in her, she needs to be able to express herself, in the moment, without screaming all the time. She insisted on making soup the other day, in the microwave. She also wanted to help cook the steaks, she tries so hard, and I love her so. Learning/reading still a problem. It isn't that she can't do it, she is right where she is expected. She just gets frustrated, because she has to work at it so hard. It seems so easy for me and her sister. I've had to explain to Abigail that I couldn't read until I was in third grade (true actually - don't lie to children), I get frustrated when she "forgets" what she just did, and then she senses it, so something else to work on, encouraging without showing frustration. So much to do as a parent.
Did I mention that the biggest problem as a parent is that our children think of us a Perfect G-d like beings, and we aren't. So in the end, we are doomed to disappoint our children. I praise my kids appropriately (Like nuts) when they do things well, and when they struggle, I tell them the story of the butterfly, and tell them it is okay to struggle. I never really had to struggle with school work, but then it came too easy, and then I didn't work, and by the end of the semester, I went from top of the class to bottom. The struggle builds strength, and I never learned that strength as a child. Not my parents fault, but I want my children to have it. Sadie shows it, she is able to stick with, and plow through what doesn't come easy (with some encouragement), and I work with Abigail so she can develop it. If that is the only thing I can do for my children, then that would be good.
Sadie is now informing me she is afraid of making mistakes, because the third grade exams are coming up. I told her, that she can make mistakes, it is how you learn, and it is fine, and not to worry about the third grade exams, until she is in third grade. If any educators are out there - The way GRADES are used is terrible, and crushing to the students, and are all about grading the teachers, and justifying putting money in someone's pocket. Kids love to learn, and adults don't. when I taught, the best parts of the job was encouraging my students, and learning from my students. Grading them, was the worst, it turned their learning into a grade chase, where the grade was the goal, and not facility with the material.
On the one hand, I wish life was always easy for my children, that they never had to grow up, and they never had to choose, or face disappointment or upset. However, they need to grow up strong and determined, and self reliant. I just want them to grow up happy, and unburdened by their parents issues.
Food, stay off of carbs and sodas. Carbs is harder, but Soda, I'm giving it up, so hard, so so hard. Cherry Coke Zero, best soda I ever had, diet or otherwise. BUT I must stay away. I promised myself, promised my girls. I suppose that is enough for today. It is hard being ADHD, and Diabetic, and some days I just want to give up, but I love my daughters so much, they are worth the struggle.
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dad. Show all posts
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, September 6, 2013
Losing my Balance
G-d I wish I was OCD sometimes, instead of ADHD.
I'm doing so well these days on most everything, except my weight. I can't seem to stop eating too much, at the wrong times, and the wrong foods. Work too, it has gotten hard again, I get bogged down, and can't move faster. It just takes me time, I'm slow. Not churning out enough product. That isn't it though, I can't physically send in work that is no good. I won't do it, I can't I've tried, but unless I'm late with it, I just can't let it go.
SO I built an excel spreadsheet, so I can track my work. I like building spreadsheets, but I don't like using them. Is that weird? It's always like that. It's sort of the conundrum that I always face, that plagues me.
I see a therapist, that's okay, I was surprised to find out just how many people do. I've been going for the last couple of years I guess. He just came back from the group vacation every therapist seems to take in August (so I'm told). I asked him if they all got together to compare who had the wackier client. He said he didn't do that, but I saw the plague on the wall, "Second place most nutty client - two years running." Well at least I'm not the craziest, wait why am I not the craziest?.
I suppose the choice it is to see a therapist or actually get a friend I can talk to. I have friends, a few. but I can't actually tell them EVERYTHING.
Sure sure friends say you can, but then when you do, they always pitch a fit, or are judgmental. I have a friend, female - not romantic or sexual - and she kept telling me how judgmental I am - and while I am judgmental so is everyone, besides which unless you are threatening my loved ones, I don't really care what you do, but I will form an opinion.
Well after 5 minutes of being told how judgmental I am, and how I need to be more accepting - I am really, don't go after my loved ones, and you can say and do what you want - I finally said "look, I listen to everyone who delights in telling me my flaws, but no one wants to hear that they have flaws." She said "See, you are judging instead of just listening."
Arrrggghhhhh - does this happen to you?
So I asked if I could point out her flaws, that's important to do. Now she hadn't asked me if she could point out my flaws before she went off on me, but that's not important I guess. Anyway, she agreed, and I pointed out her most severe flaw (well the thing that bugs me most about her anyway) - her response:
"That is just not true, and I'm hanging up now, and you should think about how you talk to people."
Am I the only one this happens to?
Well, we've talked since, she no longer tells me how judgemental I am.
My Girls
The separation of their parents is hard on my daughters, as you would expect. It's been about a year now sine we told them. Sadie said "this is the worst day of my life", I told her "good", she wanted to know why, and I told her "I hope this is the worst day, because that means that every day from now on will be better than today" That seemed to help her. My daughter Abigail, she's doing so well. Friendly and joyous and yes she still has itchy skin, but she was with me for two weeks, and by the end of the second week, finally, finally the scratches on the inside of her elbow have healed and are almost gone, perhaps it was all the swimming in the salt water pool at her grandmother's/aunt's house. Also, only giving her the Claritan when she exhibited signs of allergies. I've dropped the Zyrtec, because it really seemed to make her much more irritable. Anyway - we were having Rosh Hashona Dinner, and I wanted my daughters Sadie and Abigail to try some new foods. Now when we go have dinner at someone elses house, my girls will pretty much try anything. Sadie even apologized to me because she is more food adventurous at other peoples houses. However with me, or family, they are very selective. I understand it, they are at home, they want to eat what THEY want. That's cool, I do understand, I was a picky eater myself. However we came up with a new way for trying food. I will put the food I want them to try on my plate, and they can try it off of my plate. They both tried Brisket, and the meatballs, and they ended up loving the meatballs. Some success at this dad thing.
Did I mention Sadie just burned through Animal Farm by George Orwell in three nights? She reads it, and she gets it. I think she reads too fast, but we talked, and I'm going to let her read how she wants to and not bother her about it. The Hobbit is next for her, already ordered - Sadie is about to enter second grade, I think she has started to eye her aunts law books.
The drum set came for Abigail. Hey, we were at a party and all these kids were banging on a drum set. When they finally left the room Abigail asked me to come with her. She sat down, picked up the sticks - I showered how to hold them (I took drums for a month when I was a kid) and she played. It was soft, and gentle, and in time. Not at all about making noise, or pounding, but just about playing and listening. I told her about the drum set, and promised that they are hers, just hers, and she can play with them, and when she WANTS lessons, I would arrange them. Sadie has her keyboard, and stagecoach (musical theater) on Saturdays. They've already begun to sing together, but I'm not sure the band will last, you ought to hear the artistic differences already.
Where did the summer go? So much more I wanted to do with them. And why am I eating so damn much?
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment, share, subscribe.
I'm doing so well these days on most everything, except my weight. I can't seem to stop eating too much, at the wrong times, and the wrong foods. Work too, it has gotten hard again, I get bogged down, and can't move faster. It just takes me time, I'm slow. Not churning out enough product. That isn't it though, I can't physically send in work that is no good. I won't do it, I can't I've tried, but unless I'm late with it, I just can't let it go.
SO I built an excel spreadsheet, so I can track my work. I like building spreadsheets, but I don't like using them. Is that weird? It's always like that. It's sort of the conundrum that I always face, that plagues me.
I see a therapist, that's okay, I was surprised to find out just how many people do. I've been going for the last couple of years I guess. He just came back from the group vacation every therapist seems to take in August (so I'm told). I asked him if they all got together to compare who had the wackier client. He said he didn't do that, but I saw the plague on the wall, "Second place most nutty client - two years running." Well at least I'm not the craziest, wait why am I not the craziest?.
I suppose the choice it is to see a therapist or actually get a friend I can talk to. I have friends, a few. but I can't actually tell them EVERYTHING.
Sure sure friends say you can, but then when you do, they always pitch a fit, or are judgmental. I have a friend, female - not romantic or sexual - and she kept telling me how judgmental I am - and while I am judgmental so is everyone, besides which unless you are threatening my loved ones, I don't really care what you do, but I will form an opinion.
Well after 5 minutes of being told how judgmental I am, and how I need to be more accepting - I am really, don't go after my loved ones, and you can say and do what you want - I finally said "look, I listen to everyone who delights in telling me my flaws, but no one wants to hear that they have flaws." She said "See, you are judging instead of just listening."
Arrrggghhhhh - does this happen to you?
So I asked if I could point out her flaws, that's important to do. Now she hadn't asked me if she could point out my flaws before she went off on me, but that's not important I guess. Anyway, she agreed, and I pointed out her most severe flaw (well the thing that bugs me most about her anyway) - her response:
"That is just not true, and I'm hanging up now, and you should think about how you talk to people."
Am I the only one this happens to?
Well, we've talked since, she no longer tells me how judgemental I am.
My Girls
The separation of their parents is hard on my daughters, as you would expect. It's been about a year now sine we told them. Sadie said "this is the worst day of my life", I told her "good", she wanted to know why, and I told her "I hope this is the worst day, because that means that every day from now on will be better than today" That seemed to help her. My daughter Abigail, she's doing so well. Friendly and joyous and yes she still has itchy skin, but she was with me for two weeks, and by the end of the second week, finally, finally the scratches on the inside of her elbow have healed and are almost gone, perhaps it was all the swimming in the salt water pool at her grandmother's/aunt's house. Also, only giving her the Claritan when she exhibited signs of allergies. I've dropped the Zyrtec, because it really seemed to make her much more irritable. Anyway - we were having Rosh Hashona Dinner, and I wanted my daughters Sadie and Abigail to try some new foods. Now when we go have dinner at someone elses house, my girls will pretty much try anything. Sadie even apologized to me because she is more food adventurous at other peoples houses. However with me, or family, they are very selective. I understand it, they are at home, they want to eat what THEY want. That's cool, I do understand, I was a picky eater myself. However we came up with a new way for trying food. I will put the food I want them to try on my plate, and they can try it off of my plate. They both tried Brisket, and the meatballs, and they ended up loving the meatballs. Some success at this dad thing.
Did I mention Sadie just burned through Animal Farm by George Orwell in three nights? She reads it, and she gets it. I think she reads too fast, but we talked, and I'm going to let her read how she wants to and not bother her about it. The Hobbit is next for her, already ordered - Sadie is about to enter second grade, I think she has started to eye her aunts law books.
The drum set came for Abigail. Hey, we were at a party and all these kids were banging on a drum set. When they finally left the room Abigail asked me to come with her. She sat down, picked up the sticks - I showered how to hold them (I took drums for a month when I was a kid) and she played. It was soft, and gentle, and in time. Not at all about making noise, or pounding, but just about playing and listening. I told her about the drum set, and promised that they are hers, just hers, and she can play with them, and when she WANTS lessons, I would arrange them. Sadie has her keyboard, and stagecoach (musical theater) on Saturdays. They've already begun to sing together, but I'm not sure the band will last, you ought to hear the artistic differences already.
Where did the summer go? So much more I wanted to do with them. And why am I eating so damn much?
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment, share, subscribe.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
One Year, One Hell of a Year
Hello, and welcome.
It's been about a year since my wife and I had our worst day, the one that ended our marriage. Now the divorce process proceeds along it's path, and life is different.
I'm a dad, and being a dad to my two beautiful daughters Sadie and Abigail is the most important part of my life. I'm also diabetic and suffer from ADHD. It's a struggle, but I know far too many people who have it more difficult than I do to ever feel sorry for myself. I'm sad and upset that in the end my wife and I lost the love, caring and respect for each other we once had. I've come to accept that I am diabetic, and there is no cure for that. The ADHD, that's part of who I am, shaping me as I grew up, affecting how I worked, played, loved, and every facet of my life.
I'm 47, I have two kids and I'm separated from my wife. I'm overweight, have difficulty prioritizing, suffer with bouts of creative and productive energy, followed by long periods of blah. I used to freelance, but now I have a full time job, and organization is like a lover I get to embrace only once in a while. I don't really plan on dating, or becoming involved with anyone. I love my girls, and when I'm with them, that is our time, when I'm not with them, then that is my time.
I've spent most of my life trying to avoid problems and conflicts, but this is a mistake. Problems are only a difficult situation in search of a solution. I thought that by avoiding the problem or conflict, pushing it off, letting it solve itself was just the simpler way, the better way. It isn't.
There is more, always more, but we have plenty of time to find out about each other.
So Wednesday night I called my children to wish them good night. They are spending 3 weeks in N.J. in summer camp with their mom. I just saw them this past Sunday, wave jumping with them in the beach and then taking them out to dinner and ice cream. Abigail wanted to know if I had noticed how she wasn't getting upset over nothing, she does have a tendency to throw tantrums, and I told her yes and how proud I was of her. Back to Wednesday night, I'm working over time and taking a short break to call my daughters. Abigail (age 5) started yelling at her mom, because her mom let me know that Abigail had thrown up earlier. I can't blame her, you have to share information like that with the other parent. Abigail is however extremely protective about her image, Abigail insists on approval of any pictures I want to post to Facebook. So while Abigail was ranting at her mother, I spoke with Sadie (age 7), we talked about the people tester we are designing. We also talked about a problem Sadie is having, where she wants to tell the truth, but when she does she says people get upset at her. It's hard tying to give counsel to your child when you are on the phone. She said Abigail was doing round-offs, but Abigail kept calling them cartwheels, and Sadie didn't like that Abigail was saying the wrong thing.
Its hard figure out this world, very hard. I don't want my children growing up thinking it is okay to lie about things. But it is hard to navigate when and what to say, and takes a long time to learn the nuances that the world requires. I tried to explain to Sadie that sometimes it is more important to encourage someone than make them face that they are making mistakes. Sometimes you say nothing, unless asked. Then you find a way to say something positive, like "those are very good", or "wow nice going. " That past Sunday when I drove out to Atlantic City to go wave jumping and take my daughters to dinner before driving back to Brooklyn that night, Abigail was claiming to read the parking signs as we drove by them, but Sadie doesn't feel that Abigail was reading, so she was claiming that Abigail was not telling the truth. I had to speak to Sadie away from Abigail about needing to encourage Abigail in reading, and not confront her so she feels bad and just gives up, and doesn't develop the "muscle" of working through hard things. Abigak is great at compensating for not reading, and she figures a lot of things out without reading. I know Abigail will read, there are some issues, which we are dealing with. Sadie was reading before she was four, I couldn't read until I was in third grade. Abigail is just entering Kindergarten, and I'm confident she will overcome this and learn to read.
Sadie is a great older sister, and I'm proud of her - I'm proud of both of my children. I'm her dad, and I want to help her out, although I know that the struggle, though painful and upsetting, is important. I went to relate a story to her about my sister Kate. Sadie interrupted to say "I know, when you were a kid, your sisters never believed you about things." OK that's true, but not the point I wanted to make, I guess that I use my childhood hood to give my daughters perspective quite a bit.
Anyway, I acknowledged Sadie, but then explained that my older sister Kate used to correct me a lot, even as we grew up and became adults, Kate would often correct me, which I found very upsetting. She was not always correct, but more often than not she was. For many many years, I told Sadie, I thought that Kate was pointing out that I made a grammatical mistake or used the wrong word just to win arguments and ignore what I was saying. One day we had a fight about that, and she finally explained that she knew I was smart, but was only pointing out the mistakes so I wouldn't make them when talking to others, so that others wouldn't discount me because I made a mistake.
Whether or not her attempts were effective wasn't the point. The point was that explanation changed how I viewed my older sister. Sadie just wants her younger sister to be accurate, and tell the truth - not telling lies, even if they are unintentional. So Sadie has the right idea, and I can't tell her she is incorrect, but she doesn't understand why it is she wants to do the correct thing, and help her sister, but she keeps getting told she is wrong. Sadie isn't wrong, but I told her about my issue with my sister so she would understand that even when doing the right thing, sometimes the person may not understand why you are doing it, and may become upset with you. The truth hurts, yep it certainly can. I did my best, on the phone to tell my daughter that she is wonderful, and really cares about her sister, but that sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes.
I'm learning, just the first steps on a long long road, I'll be glad for the company.
It's been about a year since my wife and I had our worst day, the one that ended our marriage. Now the divorce process proceeds along it's path, and life is different.
I'm a dad, and being a dad to my two beautiful daughters Sadie and Abigail is the most important part of my life. I'm also diabetic and suffer from ADHD. It's a struggle, but I know far too many people who have it more difficult than I do to ever feel sorry for myself. I'm sad and upset that in the end my wife and I lost the love, caring and respect for each other we once had. I've come to accept that I am diabetic, and there is no cure for that. The ADHD, that's part of who I am, shaping me as I grew up, affecting how I worked, played, loved, and every facet of my life.
I'm 47, I have two kids and I'm separated from my wife. I'm overweight, have difficulty prioritizing, suffer with bouts of creative and productive energy, followed by long periods of blah. I used to freelance, but now I have a full time job, and organization is like a lover I get to embrace only once in a while. I don't really plan on dating, or becoming involved with anyone. I love my girls, and when I'm with them, that is our time, when I'm not with them, then that is my time.
I've spent most of my life trying to avoid problems and conflicts, but this is a mistake. Problems are only a difficult situation in search of a solution. I thought that by avoiding the problem or conflict, pushing it off, letting it solve itself was just the simpler way, the better way. It isn't.
There is more, always more, but we have plenty of time to find out about each other.
So Wednesday night I called my children to wish them good night. They are spending 3 weeks in N.J. in summer camp with their mom. I just saw them this past Sunday, wave jumping with them in the beach and then taking them out to dinner and ice cream. Abigail wanted to know if I had noticed how she wasn't getting upset over nothing, she does have a tendency to throw tantrums, and I told her yes and how proud I was of her. Back to Wednesday night, I'm working over time and taking a short break to call my daughters. Abigail (age 5) started yelling at her mom, because her mom let me know that Abigail had thrown up earlier. I can't blame her, you have to share information like that with the other parent. Abigail is however extremely protective about her image, Abigail insists on approval of any pictures I want to post to Facebook. So while Abigail was ranting at her mother, I spoke with Sadie (age 7), we talked about the people tester we are designing. We also talked about a problem Sadie is having, where she wants to tell the truth, but when she does she says people get upset at her. It's hard tying to give counsel to your child when you are on the phone. She said Abigail was doing round-offs, but Abigail kept calling them cartwheels, and Sadie didn't like that Abigail was saying the wrong thing.
Its hard figure out this world, very hard. I don't want my children growing up thinking it is okay to lie about things. But it is hard to navigate when and what to say, and takes a long time to learn the nuances that the world requires. I tried to explain to Sadie that sometimes it is more important to encourage someone than make them face that they are making mistakes. Sometimes you say nothing, unless asked. Then you find a way to say something positive, like "those are very good", or "wow nice going. " That past Sunday when I drove out to Atlantic City to go wave jumping and take my daughters to dinner before driving back to Brooklyn that night, Abigail was claiming to read the parking signs as we drove by them, but Sadie doesn't feel that Abigail was reading, so she was claiming that Abigail was not telling the truth. I had to speak to Sadie away from Abigail about needing to encourage Abigail in reading, and not confront her so she feels bad and just gives up, and doesn't develop the "muscle" of working through hard things. Abigak is great at compensating for not reading, and she figures a lot of things out without reading. I know Abigail will read, there are some issues, which we are dealing with. Sadie was reading before she was four, I couldn't read until I was in third grade. Abigail is just entering Kindergarten, and I'm confident she will overcome this and learn to read.
Sadie is a great older sister, and I'm proud of her - I'm proud of both of my children. I'm her dad, and I want to help her out, although I know that the struggle, though painful and upsetting, is important. I went to relate a story to her about my sister Kate. Sadie interrupted to say "I know, when you were a kid, your sisters never believed you about things." OK that's true, but not the point I wanted to make, I guess that I use my childhood hood to give my daughters perspective quite a bit.
Anyway, I acknowledged Sadie, but then explained that my older sister Kate used to correct me a lot, even as we grew up and became adults, Kate would often correct me, which I found very upsetting. She was not always correct, but more often than not she was. For many many years, I told Sadie, I thought that Kate was pointing out that I made a grammatical mistake or used the wrong word just to win arguments and ignore what I was saying. One day we had a fight about that, and she finally explained that she knew I was smart, but was only pointing out the mistakes so I wouldn't make them when talking to others, so that others wouldn't discount me because I made a mistake.
Whether or not her attempts were effective wasn't the point. The point was that explanation changed how I viewed my older sister. Sadie just wants her younger sister to be accurate, and tell the truth - not telling lies, even if they are unintentional. So Sadie has the right idea, and I can't tell her she is incorrect, but she doesn't understand why it is she wants to do the correct thing, and help her sister, but she keeps getting told she is wrong. Sadie isn't wrong, but I told her about my issue with my sister so she would understand that even when doing the right thing, sometimes the person may not understand why you are doing it, and may become upset with you. The truth hurts, yep it certainly can. I did my best, on the phone to tell my daughter that she is wonderful, and really cares about her sister, but that sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes.
I'm learning, just the first steps on a long long road, I'll be glad for the company.
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