I had a dream

I had a dream last night. I was at a gathering, and some guy was trying to hawk himself as a doctor, which was not why we were all there, and he was having his friend bother me about my health. Well anyway I told this "doctor" that I wouldn't go to him because he was a fraud. Now remember this is a dream. So this guy punches me in the back, and I spin around and punch him. Not too hard, because I'm spinning around. Chaos breaks out, and then there are police, and well What was nice was that in this dream, I wasn't the one in trouble. You could even say I was victorious. Normally in my dream I'd end up being blamed, and I'd have to argue my way out. All in a dream of course, and yes I've had to argue on my own behalf in my own dreams, just me against the world. But not this time, last nights dream during the chaos, my friend Adam and his wife were there, backing me up.

A strange dream, but nice at last not to have to fight the world in my dreams, I do enough of that when I am awake.

Next post, Diabetes and ADHD, and what is good for them, or rather bad for them and good for me.

ROUTINE.

Thanks for reading.

47

Sometimes I realize I'm forty seven. It just smacks me in the face.
My age didn't used to bother me. I just went on in life, happy go lucky, well go lucky mostly. Happy is a relative term, I'm happy a lot, but define happy. Any way, I can't believe I'm 47.

I spend 9 hours a day at work writing, then I come home and after I feed, bathe and put my girls to bed, what do I do? I go write. Not the things I ought to write, like my screenplays and stories, but this blog here. I am so tired, and instead of sleeping, I'm writing.

You know that phrase, there is always tomorrow.

I think I have lived my life by that phrase. But I'll let you in on a little secret.

No, there is not always a tomorrow.

If you read this and think that I'm contemplating something dramatic, no, I'm not.

I believe you get one go around at life, and while you may think "Damn Steve, you should have done more by now." I've done quite a bit.
For me, this all makes sense as I write it, but this world and I, we have never been a good fit. I say 2 plus 2 equals four, and the world tells me I said 5. I don't understand the world, and I never will.

No, this is not a prelude to something dramatic. I'm not depressed, a little disconsolate perhaps, I'm 47. Still that is a fine thing to be, 47.

No it isn't.

47, and gaining more scalp by the day. When did I get so old?

Still,

The most important part of my life lies sleeping a few feet away, Is I write this.

My two daughters.

So you see

There are no more tomorrows, all that is left are todays.

Goodnight, sleep tight, wake up shiny and bright.

Just a quick little note, and then to shower and sleep.

Just before midnight, Girls are asleep, got to flop laundry. As a follow up to last nights post. Well Abigail hasn't repeated being interested in reading a word since the other night, but I'm steadfast, and loving, which is a hard combination but one I am getting better at achieving. But Abigail has been spelling and sounding out words, reluctantly perhaps, but I keep suggesting how amazing it will be when she can read words, then she can read notes from me. Okay she says, but only if I write what she tells me to write.

Abigail still doesn't want to let go in the morning at drop off, which is frustrating, but she also will clue you in to what she needs to let go. Today it was the little purple bear she won at Coney Island. Both my daughters cleaned up at the games at Coney Island when we went about a month ago. What with the candy and rides and games, I ended up spending what I had budgeted for the week on that one day. I didn't even win one prize at the carny games, of course I already have my two prizes.
So Abigail, she struggles with herself, and she is doing great, I love her. I'm not allowed to tell her I'm proud of her anymore, but I may still tell her I love her.

Sadie, she eats books, just devours them. I gave her Animal Farm to read, because the books on her second grade reading list were so easy. On night two of her reading Animal farm, I asked her how far she had gotten. Page 133. Shock and disbelief. However we had a big discussion, because although I love that she is such an avid reader, I think she may be reading too fast. It's something her First grade teacher, Miss Unay, was concerned about. Now in my family, we read fast, and in Junior High School I devoured 120 books in one month, real books like Childhood's End. 120 books, something like that. I asked Sadie the name of the pig, or the horse and she couldn't remember. So I talked with her about how she reads, and that maybe she could slow down, and she might get more out of the book. The goal isn't to read as fast as possible, the goal is to enjoy the book. Sadie says she reads at a pace that makes her happy.

It's a hard concept, getting more out of a book. I tell her that most everybody misses something the first time they read a book, which is why it is great to go back and read it again, and find something new. Sadie told me this suggestion Miss Unay had, about every three pages writing down key points from what you read on a post it note. So, I bought Post it notes today for her. I don't want this to be a test, and I explained, I just wanted her to understand that she might enjoy the book more, or get more from it if she took a little more time. Like looking around more when we walk. When she races she just focuses on getting to the finish line, the front door, but she might miss a beautiful bird. She seemed to understand, but I don't want to push that much. I can't really force them to do things the way I want them to, and I want them to enjoy the things the do.

Now to switch gears. ADHD, I hate having to plan, having a schedule, It has always felt like being trapped. Of course I wasn't very productive for all my life, very much fits and starts, and TV, oh forget it. Like a black Pit that I would get lost in. But I'll tell you, even though I still chaffe at having to be somewhere, or take care of something. It's the best thing, because even if I am so drained after work I can't get anything done, at least I'm working. And now, I've my kids, and I come home from work and have to fold the laundry, do more laundry, do the dishes, make their lunch, plan for playdates, and on and on, and I've no freedom, which is in a way great, because now, I've got my girls.

It isn't all about ADHD, there are other factors involved, and coming home on the subway is like being assaulted. Tonight with some people talking like New York Valley Girls. "Oh My G-d". Please please please I wanted to scream, stop ending every sentence with the same sound "ooooooonnnnnnggggg", Every damn sentence ended the same. It is about all I can do not to curl up in a ball, or scream at them. Any way it is late, and my thoughts disjointed. I'm sorry if this wasn't such a good read. Still finding my way.

Best

Frazzle

Time, always my enemy.

There is never enough when I'm with my kids. Too much to do. When they are away, all the time in the world to get things done, until there isn't. That is what life was always like, before my girls. Days would blend, and when did I get old? One day I was 24, then I woke up and I was 30. Now I wake up and every day I see 50 coming closer. A little more than ten years since I met the woman I would marry and have children with. Sadie is seven, Abigail five. Life is a constant battle with time now. How long I have with them, how much can I get done, how much can I spend. Oh how I hate schedules. Summer vacation was great, I took a week off, and it didn't matter if we got up late, no need to be anywhere on time. Okay, we didn't make it to the swimming pool, but the Land of Little Horses, sure, lets stay, why rush off when this is fun.

Last weekend, actually the weekend before,  I built a personality detector for Sadie. It was her idea, and she drew it up. She asked me to draw up a design, like an architect, because I have experience. Then we would compare drawings, and could I build it for her to take to her summer camp when she was with her mom. So I did, and sent it FEDEX because quite frankly, with the tape and the LED lights and the extra buttons, well lets just say I'd hate for Homeland security to get a look at it. Unfortunately Fedex screwed it up and delivered to the wrong house. When Sadie finally got it, we talked about it, and how to make it really work. During the conversation she told me that she wanted this to be our special thing, building things together. She didn't really want m to build things with Abigail, because that would take away from the specialness. She also felt bad saying this. Sadie is a wonderful big sister, and she is always giving in and giving up things to her little sister.

I told Sadie it was okay to want something special, that what I did with Sadie, and what I did with Abigail would always be different, ans as they grew older, what they each wanted to do would be different. I made sure to let her know that it was okay to be want to be first, and it is okay to care about yourself first. So hard to find the balance between being too selfless and being a Veruka Salt.

Jumping ahead, and to another topic, Abigail and last night. As I wrote, Abigail is great at figuring things out. Last night I was reading her a picture book version of Sleeping Beauty. I told Abigail I wanted her to help me read the wfirs workd of every sentence on the first page. Argument, delaying tactics, "I'm too tired", etc. This night, I finally dug in my heels, and calmly refused o let her get away with it. She did what she always does, she jumped ahead, trying to figure out the words based on the pictures. She is good, but we held fast, and sounded out the letters. Spelling, not an issue, but reading that is another matter. I love my daughter but in reading the word "finally" we worked at it, sounding out the letters, and then she went "Final Day" Well it was a picture of a sunset.

Excuse me it's 11:30pm, and I've got to go put the eggs on the stove to make hard boiled eggs for their lunch for tomorrow.

We made it, we struggled through. We did the first word of every sentence of the first page together. Then somewhere along the rest of the book she insisted on doing another word. That is something that has never happened before. I can't explain how obvious it is that she is guessing/compensating when "reading", I hate to be stern and unyielding about things, but the sooner she learns how to read, and how words sound, the easier time of things she will have.

Excuse timer beeped, eggs are done, be right back.

I'll post more about this tomorrow, I'm beat and need to get a few more things done before I can sleep.

Thanks for reading.

One Year, One Hell of a Year

Hello, and welcome.

It's been about a year since my wife and I had our worst day, the one that ended our marriage. Now the divorce process proceeds along it's path, and life is different.

I'm a dad, and being a dad to my two beautiful daughters Sadie and Abigail is the most important part of my life. I'm also diabetic and suffer from ADHD. It's a struggle, but I know far too many people who have it more difficult than I do to ever feel sorry for myself. I'm sad and upset that in the end my wife and I lost the love, caring and respect for each other we once had. I've come to accept that I am diabetic, and there is no cure for that. The ADHD, that's part of who I am, shaping me as I grew up, affecting how I worked, played, loved, and every facet of my life.

I'm 47, I have two kids and I'm separated from my wife. I'm overweight, have difficulty prioritizing, suffer with bouts of creative and productive energy, followed by long periods of blah. I used to freelance, but now I have a full time job, and organization is like a lover I get to embrace only once in a while. I don't really plan on dating, or becoming involved with anyone. I love my girls, and when I'm with them, that is our time, when I'm not with them, then that is my time.

I've spent most of my life trying to avoid problems and conflicts, but this is a mistake. Problems are only a difficult situation in search of a solution. I thought that by avoiding the problem or conflict, pushing it off, letting it solve itself was just the simpler way, the better way. It isn't.

There is more, always more, but we have plenty of time to find out about each other.

So Wednesday night I called my children to wish them good night. They are spending 3 weeks in N.J. in summer camp with their mom. I just saw them this past Sunday, wave jumping with them in the beach and then taking them out to dinner and ice cream. Abigail wanted to know if I had noticed how she wasn't getting upset over nothing, she does have a tendency to throw tantrums, and I told her yes and how proud I was of her.  Back to Wednesday night, I'm working over time and taking a short break to call my daughters. Abigail (age 5) started yelling at her mom, because her mom let me know that Abigail had thrown up earlier. I can't blame her, you have to share information like that with the other parent. Abigail is however extremely protective about her image, Abigail insists on approval of any pictures I want to post to Facebook. So while Abigail was ranting at her mother, I spoke with Sadie (age 7), we talked about the people tester we are designing. We also talked about a problem Sadie is having, where she wants to tell the truth, but when she does she says people get upset at her. It's hard tying to give counsel to your child when you are on the phone. She said Abigail was doing round-offs, but Abigail kept calling them cartwheels, and Sadie didn't like that Abigail was saying the wrong thing.

Its hard figure out this world, very hard. I don't want my children growing up thinking it is okay to lie about things. But it is hard to navigate when and what to say, and takes a long time to learn the nuances that the world requires. I tried to explain to Sadie that sometimes it is more important to encourage someone than make them face that they are making mistakes. Sometimes you say nothing, unless asked. Then you find a way to say something positive, like "those are very good", or "wow nice going. " That past Sunday when I drove out to Atlantic City to go wave jumping and take my daughters to dinner before driving back to Brooklyn that night, Abigail was claiming to read the parking signs as we drove by them, but Sadie doesn't feel that Abigail was reading, so she was claiming that Abigail was not telling the truth. I had to speak to Sadie away from Abigail about needing to encourage Abigail in reading, and not confront her so she feels bad and just gives up, and doesn't develop the "muscle" of working through hard things. Abigak is great at compensating for not reading, and she figures a lot of things out without reading. I know Abigail will read, there are some issues, which we are dealing with. Sadie was reading before she was four, I couldn't read until I was in third grade. Abigail is just entering Kindergarten, and I'm confident she will overcome this and learn to read.

Sadie is a great older sister, and I'm proud of her - I'm proud of both of my children. I'm her dad, and I want to help her out, although I know that the struggle, though painful and upsetting, is important. I went to relate a story to her about my sister Kate. Sadie interrupted to say "I know, when you were a kid, your sisters never believed you about things." OK that's true, but not the point I wanted to make, I guess that I use my childhood hood to give my daughters perspective quite a bit.

Anyway, I acknowledged Sadie, but then explained that my older sister Kate used to correct me a lot, even as we grew up and became adults, Kate would often correct me, which I found very upsetting. She was not always correct, but more often than not she was. For many many years, I told Sadie, I thought that Kate was pointing out that I made a grammatical mistake or used the wrong word just to win arguments and ignore what I was saying. One day we had a fight about that, and she finally explained that she knew I was smart, but was only pointing out the mistakes so I wouldn't make them when talking to others, so that others wouldn't discount me because I made a mistake.

Whether or not her attempts were effective wasn't the point. The point was that explanation changed how I viewed my older sister. Sadie just wants her younger sister to be accurate, and tell the truth - not telling lies, even if they are unintentional. So Sadie has the right idea, and I can't tell her she is incorrect, but she doesn't understand why it is she wants to do the correct thing, and help her sister, but she keeps getting told she is wrong. Sadie isn't wrong, but I told her about my issue with my sister so she would understand that even when doing the right thing, sometimes the person may not understand why you are doing it, and may become upset with you. The truth hurts, yep it certainly can. I did my best, on the phone to tell my daughter that she is wonderful, and really cares about her sister, but that sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes.

I'm learning, just the first steps on a long long road, I'll be glad for the company.