Losing my Balance

G-d I wish I was OCD sometimes, instead of ADHD.

I'm doing so well these days on most everything, except my weight. I can't seem to stop eating too much, at the wrong times, and the wrong foods. Work too, it has gotten hard again, I get bogged down, and can't move faster. It just takes me time, I'm slow. Not churning out enough product. That isn't it though, I can't physically send in work that is no good. I won't do it, I can't I've tried, but unless I'm late with it, I just can't let it go.

SO I built an excel spreadsheet, so I can track my work. I like building spreadsheets, but I don't like using them.  Is that weird? It's always like that. It's sort of the conundrum that I always face, that plagues me.
I see a therapist, that's okay, I was surprised to find out just how many people do. I've been going for the last couple of years I guess. He just came back from the group vacation every therapist seems to take in August (so I'm told). I asked him if they all got together to compare who had the wackier client. He said he didn't do that, but I saw the plague on the wall, "Second place most nutty client - two years running." Well at least I'm not the craziest, wait why am I not the craziest?.

I suppose the choice it is to see a therapist or actually get a friend I can talk to. I have friends, a few. but I can't actually tell them EVERYTHING.

Sure sure friends say you can, but then when you do, they always pitch a fit, or are judgmental.  I have a friend, female - not romantic or sexual - and she kept telling me how judgmental I am - and while I am judgmental so is everyone, besides which unless you are threatening my loved ones, I don't really care what you do, but I will form an opinion.

Well after 5 minutes of being told how judgmental I  am,  and how I need to be more accepting - I am really, don't go after my loved ones, and you can say and do what you want - I finally said "look, I listen to everyone who delights in telling me my flaws, but no one wants to hear that they have flaws." She said "See, you are judging instead of just listening."
Arrrggghhhhh  - does this happen to you?
So I asked if I could point out her flaws, that's important to do. Now she hadn't asked me if she could point out my flaws before she went off on me, but that's not important I guess. Anyway, she agreed, and I pointed out her most severe flaw (well the thing that bugs me most about her anyway) - her response:
"That is just not true, and I'm hanging up now, and you should think about how you talk to people."

Am I the only one this happens to?
Well, we've talked since, she no longer tells me how judgemental I am.

My Girls

The separation of their parents is hard on my daughters, as you would expect. It's been about a year now sine we told them. Sadie said "this is the worst day of my life", I told her "good", she wanted to know why, and I told her "I hope this is the worst day, because that means that every day from now on will be better than today" That seemed to help her. My daughter Abigail, she's doing so well. Friendly and joyous and yes she still has itchy skin, but she was with me for two weeks, and by the end of the second week, finally, finally the scratches on the inside of her elbow have healed and are almost gone, perhaps it was all the swimming in the salt water pool at her grandmother's/aunt's house. Also, only giving her the Claritan when she exhibited signs of allergies. I've dropped the Zyrtec, because it really seemed to make her much more irritable. Anyway - we were having Rosh Hashona Dinner, and I wanted my daughters Sadie and Abigail to try some new foods. Now when we go have dinner at someone elses house, my girls will pretty much try anything. Sadie even apologized to me because she is more food adventurous at other peoples houses. However with me, or family, they are very selective. I understand it, they are at home, they want to eat what THEY want. That's cool, I do understand, I was a picky eater myself. However we came up with a new way for trying food. I will put the food I want them to try on my plate, and they can try it off of my plate. They both tried Brisket, and the meatballs, and they ended up loving the meatballs. Some success at this dad thing.

Did I mention Sadie just burned through Animal Farm by George Orwell in three nights? She reads it, and she gets it. I think she reads too fast, but we talked, and I'm going to let her read how she wants to and not bother her about it. The Hobbit is next for her, already ordered - Sadie is about to enter second grade, I think she has started to eye her aunts law books.

The drum set came for Abigail. Hey, we were at a party and all these kids were banging on a drum set. When they finally left the room Abigail asked me to come with her. She sat down, picked up the sticks - I showered how to hold them (I took drums for a month when I was a kid) and she played. It was soft, and gentle, and in time. Not at all about making noise, or pounding, but just about playing and listening. I told her about the drum set, and promised that they are hers, just hers, and she can play with them, and when she WANTS lessons, I would arrange them. Sadie has her keyboard, and stagecoach (musical theater) on Saturdays. They've already begun to sing together, but I'm not sure the band will last, you ought to hear the artistic differences already.

Where did the summer go? So much more I wanted to do with them.  And why am I eating so damn much?

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Routine

As I wrote it was a tough year.  August of 2012, my marriage crumbled away to nothing, I had so much stress, more than I had ever had before. Big and hard and in my face every minute of the day. I had to fight so hard for my kids, it was as if suddenly the world, which I have always battled with on a low level, was now a thousand worlds strong, attacking me, trying to kill me instantly. I fought, I won - enough, barely, 50/50 joint custody, almost equal time split with the kids, but it all took its toll on me. In August I lost control of my diabetes and the ADHD continued to plague me. By March 2013 I was in really bad shape physically.  Constantly sick, barely able to function, in a full time job for the first time in nearly a decade. I went to a new doctor, my blood sugar over three hundred, and the doctor said - time for insulin.

Enough. I got back into my routine. Started jogging, but that doesn't help. Great for my pulse and blood pressure, but doesn't really handle my diabetes. For me it's diet. That and I suppose the medication. In March, A1C at 11, three months later A1C at 5.9 and the doctor stops insisting on me taking insulin injections. Shows you what a 1630 calorie a day diet can do. More importantly as I found out, the routine becomes all important.

I hate routine, just can't stand it. My whole life I have fought against it, and everything about it. You see I'm terrified of being trapped. I freelanced for years, always afraid of what would happen if I had to skip out on a job for an emergency. It became a great excuse, no I'm not available for family planning, because what if a job shows up? Ugggghhhhh. How much of that is ADHD, I'm not sure. What if a really good job came along that I wanted to take, well I couldn't if I had a full time job. The funny thing is, that once in a while that  - excuse me for a moment.

Abigail just had a nightmare, she was asleep and screaming, I told her I was here, and asked if she had a nightmare - she said "not allowed" I told her of course she's allowed. She was still asleep through this. We had a BBQ/Grilling thing, and one of Sadie's friends stayed late and I think Abigail felt a little excluded by the two of them. It is so hard being the little sister.
She's settled down now, a kiss goodnight to her forehead.

So about work, funny thing was, with always wanting to be free to take a better job, when they came along, I just never did. I couldn't walk off the job I had promised to do, even though the other job was so much better. A mistake on my part I suppose, the story of my career in the film business, always making the wrong choices.

And back to routine. In March, I had a resting heart rate in the low 100s, my A1C was 11, which is blood sugar levels so terrible I was constantly sick, missing work, sleeping all the time trying to recover, peeing ten times a day, I had nausea, migraines, and ear infections, and my high blood sugar ripped the hell out of my eyes. Three months later I had a resting pulse rate in the 60s, A1C of 5.9 , and I stopped being sick.

Of course then the summer hit, and my routine has become lost again. I eat late, and bad, and too much, taking my pills becomes a struggle, where once I had it down cold. School is on the horizon for my daughters again. So that will help with the routine. Establish a new one, because the school plans are slightly different this year. There is something else about routine that I learned, as a father, a morning routine is absolutely essential. Night routines, they can vary a bit, but in the morning we had to catch the bus at a certain time (and we missed only one, and that was to take Sadie to the doctor one morning.) So catching the bus at a certain time means out the door at a certain time, which means dressed and etc. etc. etc. So it is get the girls up by a certain time, and smooth sailing. Wake them up 5 minutes later, disaster, and rushing and stress.

For me, by myself, if I over sleep, not really an issue, I adapt, change, adjust. However after the first year of being by myself and having to get my kids off to school in the morning when they were with me I learned a few things.
1. I can't wait until I can send them with sandwiches or they start eating the school lunch. They always want soup, or something hot, which means I can't make their lunch the night before, as I can with mine, that eats into my time.
2. I need to be dressed for work before I wake them up, or I'm going to be rushing to get dressed.
3. There are 5 things my children can handle in the morning for a stress free morning, Get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, put on shoes. Add ANYTHING else and problems. So clothes must be picked out the night before. Any paperwork signed the night before, because there is a schedule, we have to meet. I started to realize, add a sixth item to the morning, and it became rocky and stressful. Keep it to those 5 things, and smooth sailing.

I hate routine, well at least I used to. I'm not a slave to it now, we can vary it, at night or during the day. Plans can become flexible, hey if we are out having fun, no reason to leave one place just to go somewhere else because that's the schedule. When we have time, the schedule can change, but when we don'†, like mornings getting to school. Varying the routine just plays havoc, so build a routine and don't change it. I'm not single anymore, so what I do affects others. I no longer have a partner; someone I help out when they need a hand, or someone to help me if I need a hand. So I'm alone here, and as a dad, in the morning a solid routine just makes all the difference.

As a diabetic, and as someone with ADHD, having a routine to follow may just save my life. For my eating habits, for my exercise, for taking my medicine. When I stop following the routine, it all goes out of whack, and it isn't good. So I start again tomorrow, Sunday, counting my calories, even though it might make more sense to wait until Monday, I start on Sunday, food journaling, I use the My fitness Pal app on my phone. And I start testing my blood sugar twice a day again, every day, and no recriminations. Testing the blood sugar is key for me, because it keeps me focused on my health, and even when I have great readings, in the 70s, once in a while there is a high one, and I have to think on what I am doing, and why that happened.

 In case you don't know what the numbers mean, when you test your sugar on a daily basis the "Normal" score is 120 - above that, not good, below that is better. I'll go into detail on that in another post, because you can have problems if your sugar goes too low. The A1C number is different and is an average of your levels over the past three months, as opposed to the daily checking of your blood sugar.

As for ADHD, I've started keeping a timer on myself at work, how long it takes to do this task, or to do that one. I can identify my weaknesses, and when I am just letting the work get away from me, and when I need to stay focused and finish, because I can't spend unlimited time on one thing. I'm more used to something taking as long as it takes, but really I need it to take how long I plan on it taking.It doesn't always, but it is better to set a goal for how long it will take, rather then just let it take as long as it takes. It's made a difference just in the past three weeks since I started using the timer. My most productive month at this job yet.

Sorry,  this post is a little meandering, but it is three in the morning, the only time I have to write for the next few days, and tomorrow, I can actually sleep late, nowhere to be with the kids until the late afternoon/evening. Sort of the end of summer, and the free form days.

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