Yes, it has been a long while. Many apologies for that. Since I last posted, my weight has gone up 20 pounds. Good news though, more than a year at the job. Started jogging again - man it is cold. Got the thumbs up from the eye doctor, my maculla is 100 percent normal, got to keep sugar in control, so the blood vessels in the eye can heal. The scintilating vision thing has disappered. My reaction to my wife leaving me, really did me in. Well, that's past, now just to stay strong.
ADHAD, well, after a long time on Adderal, I'm going off of it. I have. It wasn't providing enough of a benefit, and it just made me STOOOOOOPID.
What I mean is that, my thoughts were more focused, but they were also so slow, that I couldn't accomplish anything. What this means. The mediation didn't magically "fix" my issues with organization. It wasn't like the movie "Limitless" - G-d how sometimes I wish there was a pill that just did that. No, there isn't, and the medication wasn't doing what I had hoped. If I "spin out of control" I'll go back on that med, or try something new, but. . .
Now, as actually it always was, it is up to me. I may get distracted, but I've learned to bring myself back. I've learned to start planning in advance. Work backwards, so to speak. If want this to happen, then I need to have that happen before, and before, and etc. Yeah, sure I can adapt on the fly, and fix most things, but that is a bonus, and too exhausting to live my life like that. I did it for years, and now I've built habits to counteract them. Heck I'm writing a budget - I love building spreadsheets, not so much fun doing the data entry, but still. Making myself a budget. Always talked about it, but never did it. Good for me, pay attention to life.
The girls, this was an excellent week, NO yelling or fights. Well, not from me, Abigail still gets angry. It's hard, I've realized how much like me she is, in her temperment and her thought process. I don't want to be an anger role model for her, so that's it. She yelled at me both this morning, and I did use a stern voice, but also a soft and loving when she calmed down. Wehn my wife and I were together, I once said that being a husband was the toughest job I had, and being a father the most important. I think she was upset that the order wasn't reversed. I suppose that the truth is that being a dad is the hardest and most important job.
I want Abigail to learn to express disappointment and upset without yelling and screaming, and Sadie without whinning (I'm not sure which is worse.) So I work very hard with Abigail, slowly, slowly, maybe she is getting it. We will see, I just don't want her to have that ingrained in her, she needs to be able to express herself, in the moment, without screaming all the time. She insisted on making soup the other day, in the microwave. She also wanted to help cook the steaks, she tries so hard, and I love her so. Learning/reading still a problem. It isn't that she can't do it, she is right where she is expected. She just gets frustrated, because she has to work at it so hard. It seems so easy for me and her sister. I've had to explain to Abigail that I couldn't read until I was in third grade (true actually - don't lie to children), I get frustrated when she "forgets" what she just did, and then she senses it, so something else to work on, encouraging without showing frustration. So much to do as a parent.
Did I mention that the biggest problem as a parent is that our children think of us a Perfect G-d like beings, and we aren't. So in the end, we are doomed to disappoint our children. I praise my kids appropriately (Like nuts) when they do things well, and when they struggle, I tell them the story of the butterfly, and tell them it is okay to struggle. I never really had to struggle with school work, but then it came too easy, and then I didn't work, and by the end of the semester, I went from top of the class to bottom. The struggle builds strength, and I never learned that strength as a child. Not my parents fault, but I want my children to have it. Sadie shows it, she is able to stick with, and plow through what doesn't come easy (with some encouragement), and I work with Abigail so she can develop it. If that is the only thing I can do for my children, then that would be good.
Sadie is now informing me she is afraid of making mistakes, because the third grade exams are coming up. I told her, that she can make mistakes, it is how you learn, and it is fine, and not to worry about the third grade exams, until she is in third grade. If any educators are out there - The way GRADES are used is terrible, and crushing to the students, and are all about grading the teachers, and justifying putting money in someone's pocket. Kids love to learn, and adults don't. when I taught, the best parts of the job was encouraging my students, and learning from my students. Grading them, was the worst, it turned their learning into a grade chase, where the grade was the goal, and not facility with the material.
On the one hand, I wish life was always easy for my children, that they never had to grow up, and they never had to choose, or face disappointment or upset. However, they need to grow up strong and determined, and self reliant. I just want them to grow up happy, and unburdened by their parents issues.
Food, stay off of carbs and sodas. Carbs is harder, but Soda, I'm giving it up, so hard, so so hard. Cherry Coke Zero, best soda I ever had, diet or otherwise. BUT I must stay away. I promised myself, promised my girls. I suppose that is enough for today. It is hard being ADHD, and Diabetic, and some days I just want to give up, but I love my daughters so much, they are worth the struggle.
Showing posts with label devouring Books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label devouring Books. Show all posts
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, September 6, 2013
Losing my Balance
G-d I wish I was OCD sometimes, instead of ADHD.
I'm doing so well these days on most everything, except my weight. I can't seem to stop eating too much, at the wrong times, and the wrong foods. Work too, it has gotten hard again, I get bogged down, and can't move faster. It just takes me time, I'm slow. Not churning out enough product. That isn't it though, I can't physically send in work that is no good. I won't do it, I can't I've tried, but unless I'm late with it, I just can't let it go.
SO I built an excel spreadsheet, so I can track my work. I like building spreadsheets, but I don't like using them. Is that weird? It's always like that. It's sort of the conundrum that I always face, that plagues me.
I see a therapist, that's okay, I was surprised to find out just how many people do. I've been going for the last couple of years I guess. He just came back from the group vacation every therapist seems to take in August (so I'm told). I asked him if they all got together to compare who had the wackier client. He said he didn't do that, but I saw the plague on the wall, "Second place most nutty client - two years running." Well at least I'm not the craziest, wait why am I not the craziest?.
I suppose the choice it is to see a therapist or actually get a friend I can talk to. I have friends, a few. but I can't actually tell them EVERYTHING.
Sure sure friends say you can, but then when you do, they always pitch a fit, or are judgmental. I have a friend, female - not romantic or sexual - and she kept telling me how judgmental I am - and while I am judgmental so is everyone, besides which unless you are threatening my loved ones, I don't really care what you do, but I will form an opinion.
Well after 5 minutes of being told how judgmental I am, and how I need to be more accepting - I am really, don't go after my loved ones, and you can say and do what you want - I finally said "look, I listen to everyone who delights in telling me my flaws, but no one wants to hear that they have flaws." She said "See, you are judging instead of just listening."
Arrrggghhhhh - does this happen to you?
So I asked if I could point out her flaws, that's important to do. Now she hadn't asked me if she could point out my flaws before she went off on me, but that's not important I guess. Anyway, she agreed, and I pointed out her most severe flaw (well the thing that bugs me most about her anyway) - her response:
"That is just not true, and I'm hanging up now, and you should think about how you talk to people."
Am I the only one this happens to?
Well, we've talked since, she no longer tells me how judgemental I am.
My Girls
The separation of their parents is hard on my daughters, as you would expect. It's been about a year now sine we told them. Sadie said "this is the worst day of my life", I told her "good", she wanted to know why, and I told her "I hope this is the worst day, because that means that every day from now on will be better than today" That seemed to help her. My daughter Abigail, she's doing so well. Friendly and joyous and yes she still has itchy skin, but she was with me for two weeks, and by the end of the second week, finally, finally the scratches on the inside of her elbow have healed and are almost gone, perhaps it was all the swimming in the salt water pool at her grandmother's/aunt's house. Also, only giving her the Claritan when she exhibited signs of allergies. I've dropped the Zyrtec, because it really seemed to make her much more irritable. Anyway - we were having Rosh Hashona Dinner, and I wanted my daughters Sadie and Abigail to try some new foods. Now when we go have dinner at someone elses house, my girls will pretty much try anything. Sadie even apologized to me because she is more food adventurous at other peoples houses. However with me, or family, they are very selective. I understand it, they are at home, they want to eat what THEY want. That's cool, I do understand, I was a picky eater myself. However we came up with a new way for trying food. I will put the food I want them to try on my plate, and they can try it off of my plate. They both tried Brisket, and the meatballs, and they ended up loving the meatballs. Some success at this dad thing.
Did I mention Sadie just burned through Animal Farm by George Orwell in three nights? She reads it, and she gets it. I think she reads too fast, but we talked, and I'm going to let her read how she wants to and not bother her about it. The Hobbit is next for her, already ordered - Sadie is about to enter second grade, I think she has started to eye her aunts law books.
The drum set came for Abigail. Hey, we were at a party and all these kids were banging on a drum set. When they finally left the room Abigail asked me to come with her. She sat down, picked up the sticks - I showered how to hold them (I took drums for a month when I was a kid) and she played. It was soft, and gentle, and in time. Not at all about making noise, or pounding, but just about playing and listening. I told her about the drum set, and promised that they are hers, just hers, and she can play with them, and when she WANTS lessons, I would arrange them. Sadie has her keyboard, and stagecoach (musical theater) on Saturdays. They've already begun to sing together, but I'm not sure the band will last, you ought to hear the artistic differences already.
Where did the summer go? So much more I wanted to do with them. And why am I eating so damn much?
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment, share, subscribe.
I'm doing so well these days on most everything, except my weight. I can't seem to stop eating too much, at the wrong times, and the wrong foods. Work too, it has gotten hard again, I get bogged down, and can't move faster. It just takes me time, I'm slow. Not churning out enough product. That isn't it though, I can't physically send in work that is no good. I won't do it, I can't I've tried, but unless I'm late with it, I just can't let it go.
SO I built an excel spreadsheet, so I can track my work. I like building spreadsheets, but I don't like using them. Is that weird? It's always like that. It's sort of the conundrum that I always face, that plagues me.
I see a therapist, that's okay, I was surprised to find out just how many people do. I've been going for the last couple of years I guess. He just came back from the group vacation every therapist seems to take in August (so I'm told). I asked him if they all got together to compare who had the wackier client. He said he didn't do that, but I saw the plague on the wall, "Second place most nutty client - two years running." Well at least I'm not the craziest, wait why am I not the craziest?.
I suppose the choice it is to see a therapist or actually get a friend I can talk to. I have friends, a few. but I can't actually tell them EVERYTHING.
Sure sure friends say you can, but then when you do, they always pitch a fit, or are judgmental. I have a friend, female - not romantic or sexual - and she kept telling me how judgmental I am - and while I am judgmental so is everyone, besides which unless you are threatening my loved ones, I don't really care what you do, but I will form an opinion.
Well after 5 minutes of being told how judgmental I am, and how I need to be more accepting - I am really, don't go after my loved ones, and you can say and do what you want - I finally said "look, I listen to everyone who delights in telling me my flaws, but no one wants to hear that they have flaws." She said "See, you are judging instead of just listening."
Arrrggghhhhh - does this happen to you?
So I asked if I could point out her flaws, that's important to do. Now she hadn't asked me if she could point out my flaws before she went off on me, but that's not important I guess. Anyway, she agreed, and I pointed out her most severe flaw (well the thing that bugs me most about her anyway) - her response:
"That is just not true, and I'm hanging up now, and you should think about how you talk to people."
Am I the only one this happens to?
Well, we've talked since, she no longer tells me how judgemental I am.
My Girls
The separation of their parents is hard on my daughters, as you would expect. It's been about a year now sine we told them. Sadie said "this is the worst day of my life", I told her "good", she wanted to know why, and I told her "I hope this is the worst day, because that means that every day from now on will be better than today" That seemed to help her. My daughter Abigail, she's doing so well. Friendly and joyous and yes she still has itchy skin, but she was with me for two weeks, and by the end of the second week, finally, finally the scratches on the inside of her elbow have healed and are almost gone, perhaps it was all the swimming in the salt water pool at her grandmother's/aunt's house. Also, only giving her the Claritan when she exhibited signs of allergies. I've dropped the Zyrtec, because it really seemed to make her much more irritable. Anyway - we were having Rosh Hashona Dinner, and I wanted my daughters Sadie and Abigail to try some new foods. Now when we go have dinner at someone elses house, my girls will pretty much try anything. Sadie even apologized to me because she is more food adventurous at other peoples houses. However with me, or family, they are very selective. I understand it, they are at home, they want to eat what THEY want. That's cool, I do understand, I was a picky eater myself. However we came up with a new way for trying food. I will put the food I want them to try on my plate, and they can try it off of my plate. They both tried Brisket, and the meatballs, and they ended up loving the meatballs. Some success at this dad thing.
Did I mention Sadie just burned through Animal Farm by George Orwell in three nights? She reads it, and she gets it. I think she reads too fast, but we talked, and I'm going to let her read how she wants to and not bother her about it. The Hobbit is next for her, already ordered - Sadie is about to enter second grade, I think she has started to eye her aunts law books.
The drum set came for Abigail. Hey, we were at a party and all these kids were banging on a drum set. When they finally left the room Abigail asked me to come with her. She sat down, picked up the sticks - I showered how to hold them (I took drums for a month when I was a kid) and she played. It was soft, and gentle, and in time. Not at all about making noise, or pounding, but just about playing and listening. I told her about the drum set, and promised that they are hers, just hers, and she can play with them, and when she WANTS lessons, I would arrange them. Sadie has her keyboard, and stagecoach (musical theater) on Saturdays. They've already begun to sing together, but I'm not sure the band will last, you ought to hear the artistic differences already.
Where did the summer go? So much more I wanted to do with them. And why am I eating so damn much?
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment, share, subscribe.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Just a quick little note, and then to shower and sleep.
Just before midnight, Girls are asleep, got to flop laundry. As a follow up to last nights post. Well Abigail hasn't repeated being interested in reading a word since the other night, but I'm steadfast, and loving, which is a hard combination but one I am getting better at achieving. But Abigail has been spelling and sounding out words, reluctantly perhaps, but I keep suggesting how amazing it will be when she can read words, then she can read notes from me. Okay she says, but only if I write what she tells me to write.
Abigail still doesn't want to let go in the morning at drop off, which is frustrating, but she also will clue you in to what she needs to let go. Today it was the little purple bear she won at Coney Island. Both my daughters cleaned up at the games at Coney Island when we went about a month ago. What with the candy and rides and games, I ended up spending what I had budgeted for the week on that one day. I didn't even win one prize at the carny games, of course I already have my two prizes.
So Abigail, she struggles with herself, and she is doing great, I love her. I'm not allowed to tell her I'm proud of her anymore, but I may still tell her I love her.
Sadie, she eats books, just devours them. I gave her Animal Farm to read, because the books on her second grade reading list were so easy. On night two of her reading Animal farm, I asked her how far she had gotten. Page 133. Shock and disbelief. However we had a big discussion, because although I love that she is such an avid reader, I think she may be reading too fast. It's something her First grade teacher, Miss Unay, was concerned about. Now in my family, we read fast, and in Junior High School I devoured 120 books in one month, real books like Childhood's End. 120 books, something like that. I asked Sadie the name of the pig, or the horse and she couldn't remember. So I talked with her about how she reads, and that maybe she could slow down, and she might get more out of the book. The goal isn't to read as fast as possible, the goal is to enjoy the book. Sadie says she reads at a pace that makes her happy.
It's a hard concept, getting more out of a book. I tell her that most everybody misses something the first time they read a book, which is why it is great to go back and read it again, and find something new. Sadie told me this suggestion Miss Unay had, about every three pages writing down key points from what you read on a post it note. So, I bought Post it notes today for her. I don't want this to be a test, and I explained, I just wanted her to understand that she might enjoy the book more, or get more from it if she took a little more time. Like looking around more when we walk. When she races she just focuses on getting to the finish line, the front door, but she might miss a beautiful bird. She seemed to understand, but I don't want to push that much. I can't really force them to do things the way I want them to, and I want them to enjoy the things the do.
Now to switch gears. ADHD, I hate having to plan, having a schedule, It has always felt like being trapped. Of course I wasn't very productive for all my life, very much fits and starts, and TV, oh forget it. Like a black Pit that I would get lost in. But I'll tell you, even though I still chaffe at having to be somewhere, or take care of something. It's the best thing, because even if I am so drained after work I can't get anything done, at least I'm working. And now, I've my kids, and I come home from work and have to fold the laundry, do more laundry, do the dishes, make their lunch, plan for playdates, and on and on, and I've no freedom, which is in a way great, because now, I've got my girls.
It isn't all about ADHD, there are other factors involved, and coming home on the subway is like being assaulted. Tonight with some people talking like New York Valley Girls. "Oh My G-d". Please please please I wanted to scream, stop ending every sentence with the same sound "ooooooonnnnnnggggg", Every damn sentence ended the same. It is about all I can do not to curl up in a ball, or scream at them. Any way it is late, and my thoughts disjointed. I'm sorry if this wasn't such a good read. Still finding my way.
Best
Abigail still doesn't want to let go in the morning at drop off, which is frustrating, but she also will clue you in to what she needs to let go. Today it was the little purple bear she won at Coney Island. Both my daughters cleaned up at the games at Coney Island when we went about a month ago. What with the candy and rides and games, I ended up spending what I had budgeted for the week on that one day. I didn't even win one prize at the carny games, of course I already have my two prizes.
So Abigail, she struggles with herself, and she is doing great, I love her. I'm not allowed to tell her I'm proud of her anymore, but I may still tell her I love her.
Sadie, she eats books, just devours them. I gave her Animal Farm to read, because the books on her second grade reading list were so easy. On night two of her reading Animal farm, I asked her how far she had gotten. Page 133. Shock and disbelief. However we had a big discussion, because although I love that she is such an avid reader, I think she may be reading too fast. It's something her First grade teacher, Miss Unay, was concerned about. Now in my family, we read fast, and in Junior High School I devoured 120 books in one month, real books like Childhood's End. 120 books, something like that. I asked Sadie the name of the pig, or the horse and she couldn't remember. So I talked with her about how she reads, and that maybe she could slow down, and she might get more out of the book. The goal isn't to read as fast as possible, the goal is to enjoy the book. Sadie says she reads at a pace that makes her happy.
It's a hard concept, getting more out of a book. I tell her that most everybody misses something the first time they read a book, which is why it is great to go back and read it again, and find something new. Sadie told me this suggestion Miss Unay had, about every three pages writing down key points from what you read on a post it note. So, I bought Post it notes today for her. I don't want this to be a test, and I explained, I just wanted her to understand that she might enjoy the book more, or get more from it if she took a little more time. Like looking around more when we walk. When she races she just focuses on getting to the finish line, the front door, but she might miss a beautiful bird. She seemed to understand, but I don't want to push that much. I can't really force them to do things the way I want them to, and I want them to enjoy the things the do.
Now to switch gears. ADHD, I hate having to plan, having a schedule, It has always felt like being trapped. Of course I wasn't very productive for all my life, very much fits and starts, and TV, oh forget it. Like a black Pit that I would get lost in. But I'll tell you, even though I still chaffe at having to be somewhere, or take care of something. It's the best thing, because even if I am so drained after work I can't get anything done, at least I'm working. And now, I've my kids, and I come home from work and have to fold the laundry, do more laundry, do the dishes, make their lunch, plan for playdates, and on and on, and I've no freedom, which is in a way great, because now, I've got my girls.
It isn't all about ADHD, there are other factors involved, and coming home on the subway is like being assaulted. Tonight with some people talking like New York Valley Girls. "Oh My G-d". Please please please I wanted to scream, stop ending every sentence with the same sound "ooooooonnnnnnggggg", Every damn sentence ended the same. It is about all I can do not to curl up in a ball, or scream at them. Any way it is late, and my thoughts disjointed. I'm sorry if this wasn't such a good read. Still finding my way.
Best
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