Yes, it has been a long while. Many apologies for that. Since I last posted, my weight has gone up 20 pounds. Good news though, more than a year at the job. Started jogging again - man it is cold. Got the thumbs up from the eye doctor, my maculla is 100 percent normal, got to keep sugar in control, so the blood vessels in the eye can heal. The scintilating vision thing has disappered. My reaction to my wife leaving me, really did me in. Well, that's past, now just to stay strong.
ADHAD, well, after a long time on Adderal, I'm going off of it. I have. It wasn't providing enough of a benefit, and it just made me STOOOOOOPID.
What I mean is that, my thoughts were more focused, but they were also so slow, that I couldn't accomplish anything. What this means. The mediation didn't magically "fix" my issues with organization. It wasn't like the movie "Limitless" - G-d how sometimes I wish there was a pill that just did that. No, there isn't, and the medication wasn't doing what I had hoped. If I "spin out of control" I'll go back on that med, or try something new, but. . .
Now, as actually it always was, it is up to me. I may get distracted, but I've learned to bring myself back. I've learned to start planning in advance. Work backwards, so to speak. If want this to happen, then I need to have that happen before, and before, and etc. Yeah, sure I can adapt on the fly, and fix most things, but that is a bonus, and too exhausting to live my life like that. I did it for years, and now I've built habits to counteract them. Heck I'm writing a budget - I love building spreadsheets, not so much fun doing the data entry, but still. Making myself a budget. Always talked about it, but never did it. Good for me, pay attention to life.
The girls, this was an excellent week, NO yelling or fights. Well, not from me, Abigail still gets angry. It's hard, I've realized how much like me she is, in her temperment and her thought process. I don't want to be an anger role model for her, so that's it. She yelled at me both this morning, and I did use a stern voice, but also a soft and loving when she calmed down. Wehn my wife and I were together, I once said that being a husband was the toughest job I had, and being a father the most important. I think she was upset that the order wasn't reversed. I suppose that the truth is that being a dad is the hardest and most important job.
I want Abigail to learn to express disappointment and upset without yelling and screaming, and Sadie without whinning (I'm not sure which is worse.) So I work very hard with Abigail, slowly, slowly, maybe she is getting it. We will see, I just don't want her to have that ingrained in her, she needs to be able to express herself, in the moment, without screaming all the time. She insisted on making soup the other day, in the microwave. She also wanted to help cook the steaks, she tries so hard, and I love her so. Learning/reading still a problem. It isn't that she can't do it, she is right where she is expected. She just gets frustrated, because she has to work at it so hard. It seems so easy for me and her sister. I've had to explain to Abigail that I couldn't read until I was in third grade (true actually - don't lie to children), I get frustrated when she "forgets" what she just did, and then she senses it, so something else to work on, encouraging without showing frustration. So much to do as a parent.
Did I mention that the biggest problem as a parent is that our children think of us a Perfect G-d like beings, and we aren't. So in the end, we are doomed to disappoint our children. I praise my kids appropriately (Like nuts) when they do things well, and when they struggle, I tell them the story of the butterfly, and tell them it is okay to struggle. I never really had to struggle with school work, but then it came too easy, and then I didn't work, and by the end of the semester, I went from top of the class to bottom. The struggle builds strength, and I never learned that strength as a child. Not my parents fault, but I want my children to have it. Sadie shows it, she is able to stick with, and plow through what doesn't come easy (with some encouragement), and I work with Abigail so she can develop it. If that is the only thing I can do for my children, then that would be good.
Sadie is now informing me she is afraid of making mistakes, because the third grade exams are coming up. I told her, that she can make mistakes, it is how you learn, and it is fine, and not to worry about the third grade exams, until she is in third grade. If any educators are out there - The way GRADES are used is terrible, and crushing to the students, and are all about grading the teachers, and justifying putting money in someone's pocket. Kids love to learn, and adults don't. when I taught, the best parts of the job was encouraging my students, and learning from my students. Grading them, was the worst, it turned their learning into a grade chase, where the grade was the goal, and not facility with the material.
On the one hand, I wish life was always easy for my children, that they never had to grow up, and they never had to choose, or face disappointment or upset. However, they need to grow up strong and determined, and self reliant. I just want them to grow up happy, and unburdened by their parents issues.
Food, stay off of carbs and sodas. Carbs is harder, but Soda, I'm giving it up, so hard, so so hard. Cherry Coke Zero, best soda I ever had, diet or otherwise. BUT I must stay away. I promised myself, promised my girls. I suppose that is enough for today. It is hard being ADHD, and Diabetic, and some days I just want to give up, but I love my daughters so much, they are worth the struggle.
