One Year, One Hell of a Year

Hello, and welcome.

It's been about a year since my wife and I had our worst day, the one that ended our marriage. Now the divorce process proceeds along it's path, and life is different.

I'm a dad, and being a dad to my two beautiful daughters Sadie and Abigail is the most important part of my life. I'm also diabetic and suffer from ADHD. It's a struggle, but I know far too many people who have it more difficult than I do to ever feel sorry for myself. I'm sad and upset that in the end my wife and I lost the love, caring and respect for each other we once had. I've come to accept that I am diabetic, and there is no cure for that. The ADHD, that's part of who I am, shaping me as I grew up, affecting how I worked, played, loved, and every facet of my life.

I'm 47, I have two kids and I'm separated from my wife. I'm overweight, have difficulty prioritizing, suffer with bouts of creative and productive energy, followed by long periods of blah. I used to freelance, but now I have a full time job, and organization is like a lover I get to embrace only once in a while. I don't really plan on dating, or becoming involved with anyone. I love my girls, and when I'm with them, that is our time, when I'm not with them, then that is my time.

I've spent most of my life trying to avoid problems and conflicts, but this is a mistake. Problems are only a difficult situation in search of a solution. I thought that by avoiding the problem or conflict, pushing it off, letting it solve itself was just the simpler way, the better way. It isn't.

There is more, always more, but we have plenty of time to find out about each other.

So Wednesday night I called my children to wish them good night. They are spending 3 weeks in N.J. in summer camp with their mom. I just saw them this past Sunday, wave jumping with them in the beach and then taking them out to dinner and ice cream. Abigail wanted to know if I had noticed how she wasn't getting upset over nothing, she does have a tendency to throw tantrums, and I told her yes and how proud I was of her.  Back to Wednesday night, I'm working over time and taking a short break to call my daughters. Abigail (age 5) started yelling at her mom, because her mom let me know that Abigail had thrown up earlier. I can't blame her, you have to share information like that with the other parent. Abigail is however extremely protective about her image, Abigail insists on approval of any pictures I want to post to Facebook. So while Abigail was ranting at her mother, I spoke with Sadie (age 7), we talked about the people tester we are designing. We also talked about a problem Sadie is having, where she wants to tell the truth, but when she does she says people get upset at her. It's hard tying to give counsel to your child when you are on the phone. She said Abigail was doing round-offs, but Abigail kept calling them cartwheels, and Sadie didn't like that Abigail was saying the wrong thing.

Its hard figure out this world, very hard. I don't want my children growing up thinking it is okay to lie about things. But it is hard to navigate when and what to say, and takes a long time to learn the nuances that the world requires. I tried to explain to Sadie that sometimes it is more important to encourage someone than make them face that they are making mistakes. Sometimes you say nothing, unless asked. Then you find a way to say something positive, like "those are very good", or "wow nice going. " That past Sunday when I drove out to Atlantic City to go wave jumping and take my daughters to dinner before driving back to Brooklyn that night, Abigail was claiming to read the parking signs as we drove by them, but Sadie doesn't feel that Abigail was reading, so she was claiming that Abigail was not telling the truth. I had to speak to Sadie away from Abigail about needing to encourage Abigail in reading, and not confront her so she feels bad and just gives up, and doesn't develop the "muscle" of working through hard things. Abigak is great at compensating for not reading, and she figures a lot of things out without reading. I know Abigail will read, there are some issues, which we are dealing with. Sadie was reading before she was four, I couldn't read until I was in third grade. Abigail is just entering Kindergarten, and I'm confident she will overcome this and learn to read.

Sadie is a great older sister, and I'm proud of her - I'm proud of both of my children. I'm her dad, and I want to help her out, although I know that the struggle, though painful and upsetting, is important. I went to relate a story to her about my sister Kate. Sadie interrupted to say "I know, when you were a kid, your sisters never believed you about things." OK that's true, but not the point I wanted to make, I guess that I use my childhood hood to give my daughters perspective quite a bit.

Anyway, I acknowledged Sadie, but then explained that my older sister Kate used to correct me a lot, even as we grew up and became adults, Kate would often correct me, which I found very upsetting. She was not always correct, but more often than not she was. For many many years, I told Sadie, I thought that Kate was pointing out that I made a grammatical mistake or used the wrong word just to win arguments and ignore what I was saying. One day we had a fight about that, and she finally explained that she knew I was smart, but was only pointing out the mistakes so I wouldn't make them when talking to others, so that others wouldn't discount me because I made a mistake.

Whether or not her attempts were effective wasn't the point. The point was that explanation changed how I viewed my older sister. Sadie just wants her younger sister to be accurate, and tell the truth - not telling lies, even if they are unintentional. So Sadie has the right idea, and I can't tell her she is incorrect, but she doesn't understand why it is she wants to do the correct thing, and help her sister, but she keeps getting told she is wrong. Sadie isn't wrong, but I told her about my issue with my sister so she would understand that even when doing the right thing, sometimes the person may not understand why you are doing it, and may become upset with you. The truth hurts, yep it certainly can. I did my best, on the phone to tell my daughter that she is wonderful, and really cares about her sister, but that sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes.

I'm learning, just the first steps on a long long road, I'll be glad for the company.