Losing my Balance

G-d I wish I was OCD sometimes, instead of ADHD.

I'm doing so well these days on most everything, except my weight. I can't seem to stop eating too much, at the wrong times, and the wrong foods. Work too, it has gotten hard again, I get bogged down, and can't move faster. It just takes me time, I'm slow. Not churning out enough product. That isn't it though, I can't physically send in work that is no good. I won't do it, I can't I've tried, but unless I'm late with it, I just can't let it go.

SO I built an excel spreadsheet, so I can track my work. I like building spreadsheets, but I don't like using them.  Is that weird? It's always like that. It's sort of the conundrum that I always face, that plagues me.
I see a therapist, that's okay, I was surprised to find out just how many people do. I've been going for the last couple of years I guess. He just came back from the group vacation every therapist seems to take in August (so I'm told). I asked him if they all got together to compare who had the wackier client. He said he didn't do that, but I saw the plague on the wall, "Second place most nutty client - two years running." Well at least I'm not the craziest, wait why am I not the craziest?.

I suppose the choice it is to see a therapist or actually get a friend I can talk to. I have friends, a few. but I can't actually tell them EVERYTHING.

Sure sure friends say you can, but then when you do, they always pitch a fit, or are judgmental.  I have a friend, female - not romantic or sexual - and she kept telling me how judgmental I am - and while I am judgmental so is everyone, besides which unless you are threatening my loved ones, I don't really care what you do, but I will form an opinion.

Well after 5 minutes of being told how judgmental I  am,  and how I need to be more accepting - I am really, don't go after my loved ones, and you can say and do what you want - I finally said "look, I listen to everyone who delights in telling me my flaws, but no one wants to hear that they have flaws." She said "See, you are judging instead of just listening."
Arrrggghhhhh  - does this happen to you?
So I asked if I could point out her flaws, that's important to do. Now she hadn't asked me if she could point out my flaws before she went off on me, but that's not important I guess. Anyway, she agreed, and I pointed out her most severe flaw (well the thing that bugs me most about her anyway) - her response:
"That is just not true, and I'm hanging up now, and you should think about how you talk to people."

Am I the only one this happens to?
Well, we've talked since, she no longer tells me how judgemental I am.

My Girls

The separation of their parents is hard on my daughters, as you would expect. It's been about a year now sine we told them. Sadie said "this is the worst day of my life", I told her "good", she wanted to know why, and I told her "I hope this is the worst day, because that means that every day from now on will be better than today" That seemed to help her. My daughter Abigail, she's doing so well. Friendly and joyous and yes she still has itchy skin, but she was with me for two weeks, and by the end of the second week, finally, finally the scratches on the inside of her elbow have healed and are almost gone, perhaps it was all the swimming in the salt water pool at her grandmother's/aunt's house. Also, only giving her the Claritan when she exhibited signs of allergies. I've dropped the Zyrtec, because it really seemed to make her much more irritable. Anyway - we were having Rosh Hashona Dinner, and I wanted my daughters Sadie and Abigail to try some new foods. Now when we go have dinner at someone elses house, my girls will pretty much try anything. Sadie even apologized to me because she is more food adventurous at other peoples houses. However with me, or family, they are very selective. I understand it, they are at home, they want to eat what THEY want. That's cool, I do understand, I was a picky eater myself. However we came up with a new way for trying food. I will put the food I want them to try on my plate, and they can try it off of my plate. They both tried Brisket, and the meatballs, and they ended up loving the meatballs. Some success at this dad thing.

Did I mention Sadie just burned through Animal Farm by George Orwell in three nights? She reads it, and she gets it. I think she reads too fast, but we talked, and I'm going to let her read how she wants to and not bother her about it. The Hobbit is next for her, already ordered - Sadie is about to enter second grade, I think she has started to eye her aunts law books.

The drum set came for Abigail. Hey, we were at a party and all these kids were banging on a drum set. When they finally left the room Abigail asked me to come with her. She sat down, picked up the sticks - I showered how to hold them (I took drums for a month when I was a kid) and she played. It was soft, and gentle, and in time. Not at all about making noise, or pounding, but just about playing and listening. I told her about the drum set, and promised that they are hers, just hers, and she can play with them, and when she WANTS lessons, I would arrange them. Sadie has her keyboard, and stagecoach (musical theater) on Saturdays. They've already begun to sing together, but I'm not sure the band will last, you ought to hear the artistic differences already.

Where did the summer go? So much more I wanted to do with them.  And why am I eating so damn much?

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Routine

As I wrote it was a tough year.  August of 2012, my marriage crumbled away to nothing, I had so much stress, more than I had ever had before. Big and hard and in my face every minute of the day. I had to fight so hard for my kids, it was as if suddenly the world, which I have always battled with on a low level, was now a thousand worlds strong, attacking me, trying to kill me instantly. I fought, I won - enough, barely, 50/50 joint custody, almost equal time split with the kids, but it all took its toll on me. In August I lost control of my diabetes and the ADHD continued to plague me. By March 2013 I was in really bad shape physically.  Constantly sick, barely able to function, in a full time job for the first time in nearly a decade. I went to a new doctor, my blood sugar over three hundred, and the doctor said - time for insulin.

Enough. I got back into my routine. Started jogging, but that doesn't help. Great for my pulse and blood pressure, but doesn't really handle my diabetes. For me it's diet. That and I suppose the medication. In March, A1C at 11, three months later A1C at 5.9 and the doctor stops insisting on me taking insulin injections. Shows you what a 1630 calorie a day diet can do. More importantly as I found out, the routine becomes all important.

I hate routine, just can't stand it. My whole life I have fought against it, and everything about it. You see I'm terrified of being trapped. I freelanced for years, always afraid of what would happen if I had to skip out on a job for an emergency. It became a great excuse, no I'm not available for family planning, because what if a job shows up? Ugggghhhhh. How much of that is ADHD, I'm not sure. What if a really good job came along that I wanted to take, well I couldn't if I had a full time job. The funny thing is, that once in a while that  - excuse me for a moment.

Abigail just had a nightmare, she was asleep and screaming, I told her I was here, and asked if she had a nightmare - she said "not allowed" I told her of course she's allowed. She was still asleep through this. We had a BBQ/Grilling thing, and one of Sadie's friends stayed late and I think Abigail felt a little excluded by the two of them. It is so hard being the little sister.
She's settled down now, a kiss goodnight to her forehead.

So about work, funny thing was, with always wanting to be free to take a better job, when they came along, I just never did. I couldn't walk off the job I had promised to do, even though the other job was so much better. A mistake on my part I suppose, the story of my career in the film business, always making the wrong choices.

And back to routine. In March, I had a resting heart rate in the low 100s, my A1C was 11, which is blood sugar levels so terrible I was constantly sick, missing work, sleeping all the time trying to recover, peeing ten times a day, I had nausea, migraines, and ear infections, and my high blood sugar ripped the hell out of my eyes. Three months later I had a resting pulse rate in the 60s, A1C of 5.9 , and I stopped being sick.

Of course then the summer hit, and my routine has become lost again. I eat late, and bad, and too much, taking my pills becomes a struggle, where once I had it down cold. School is on the horizon for my daughters again. So that will help with the routine. Establish a new one, because the school plans are slightly different this year. There is something else about routine that I learned, as a father, a morning routine is absolutely essential. Night routines, they can vary a bit, but in the morning we had to catch the bus at a certain time (and we missed only one, and that was to take Sadie to the doctor one morning.) So catching the bus at a certain time means out the door at a certain time, which means dressed and etc. etc. etc. So it is get the girls up by a certain time, and smooth sailing. Wake them up 5 minutes later, disaster, and rushing and stress.

For me, by myself, if I over sleep, not really an issue, I adapt, change, adjust. However after the first year of being by myself and having to get my kids off to school in the morning when they were with me I learned a few things.
1. I can't wait until I can send them with sandwiches or they start eating the school lunch. They always want soup, or something hot, which means I can't make their lunch the night before, as I can with mine, that eats into my time.
2. I need to be dressed for work before I wake them up, or I'm going to be rushing to get dressed.
3. There are 5 things my children can handle in the morning for a stress free morning, Get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth and hair, put on shoes. Add ANYTHING else and problems. So clothes must be picked out the night before. Any paperwork signed the night before, because there is a schedule, we have to meet. I started to realize, add a sixth item to the morning, and it became rocky and stressful. Keep it to those 5 things, and smooth sailing.

I hate routine, well at least I used to. I'm not a slave to it now, we can vary it, at night or during the day. Plans can become flexible, hey if we are out having fun, no reason to leave one place just to go somewhere else because that's the schedule. When we have time, the schedule can change, but when we don'†, like mornings getting to school. Varying the routine just plays havoc, so build a routine and don't change it. I'm not single anymore, so what I do affects others. I no longer have a partner; someone I help out when they need a hand, or someone to help me if I need a hand. So I'm alone here, and as a dad, in the morning a solid routine just makes all the difference.

As a diabetic, and as someone with ADHD, having a routine to follow may just save my life. For my eating habits, for my exercise, for taking my medicine. When I stop following the routine, it all goes out of whack, and it isn't good. So I start again tomorrow, Sunday, counting my calories, even though it might make more sense to wait until Monday, I start on Sunday, food journaling, I use the My fitness Pal app on my phone. And I start testing my blood sugar twice a day again, every day, and no recriminations. Testing the blood sugar is key for me, because it keeps me focused on my health, and even when I have great readings, in the 70s, once in a while there is a high one, and I have to think on what I am doing, and why that happened.

 In case you don't know what the numbers mean, when you test your sugar on a daily basis the "Normal" score is 120 - above that, not good, below that is better. I'll go into detail on that in another post, because you can have problems if your sugar goes too low. The A1C number is different and is an average of your levels over the past three months, as opposed to the daily checking of your blood sugar.

As for ADHD, I've started keeping a timer on myself at work, how long it takes to do this task, or to do that one. I can identify my weaknesses, and when I am just letting the work get away from me, and when I need to stay focused and finish, because I can't spend unlimited time on one thing. I'm more used to something taking as long as it takes, but really I need it to take how long I plan on it taking.It doesn't always, but it is better to set a goal for how long it will take, rather then just let it take as long as it takes. It's made a difference just in the past three weeks since I started using the timer. My most productive month at this job yet.

Sorry,  this post is a little meandering, but it is three in the morning, the only time I have to write for the next few days, and tomorrow, I can actually sleep late, nowhere to be with the kids until the late afternoon/evening. Sort of the end of summer, and the free form days.

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I had a dream

I had a dream last night. I was at a gathering, and some guy was trying to hawk himself as a doctor, which was not why we were all there, and he was having his friend bother me about my health. Well anyway I told this "doctor" that I wouldn't go to him because he was a fraud. Now remember this is a dream. So this guy punches me in the back, and I spin around and punch him. Not too hard, because I'm spinning around. Chaos breaks out, and then there are police, and well What was nice was that in this dream, I wasn't the one in trouble. You could even say I was victorious. Normally in my dream I'd end up being blamed, and I'd have to argue my way out. All in a dream of course, and yes I've had to argue on my own behalf in my own dreams, just me against the world. But not this time, last nights dream during the chaos, my friend Adam and his wife were there, backing me up.

A strange dream, but nice at last not to have to fight the world in my dreams, I do enough of that when I am awake.

Next post, Diabetes and ADHD, and what is good for them, or rather bad for them and good for me.

ROUTINE.

Thanks for reading.

47

Sometimes I realize I'm forty seven. It just smacks me in the face.
My age didn't used to bother me. I just went on in life, happy go lucky, well go lucky mostly. Happy is a relative term, I'm happy a lot, but define happy. Any way, I can't believe I'm 47.

I spend 9 hours a day at work writing, then I come home and after I feed, bathe and put my girls to bed, what do I do? I go write. Not the things I ought to write, like my screenplays and stories, but this blog here. I am so tired, and instead of sleeping, I'm writing.

You know that phrase, there is always tomorrow.

I think I have lived my life by that phrase. But I'll let you in on a little secret.

No, there is not always a tomorrow.

If you read this and think that I'm contemplating something dramatic, no, I'm not.

I believe you get one go around at life, and while you may think "Damn Steve, you should have done more by now." I've done quite a bit.
For me, this all makes sense as I write it, but this world and I, we have never been a good fit. I say 2 plus 2 equals four, and the world tells me I said 5. I don't understand the world, and I never will.

No, this is not a prelude to something dramatic. I'm not depressed, a little disconsolate perhaps, I'm 47. Still that is a fine thing to be, 47.

No it isn't.

47, and gaining more scalp by the day. When did I get so old?

Still,

The most important part of my life lies sleeping a few feet away, Is I write this.

My two daughters.

So you see

There are no more tomorrows, all that is left are todays.

Goodnight, sleep tight, wake up shiny and bright.

Just a quick little note, and then to shower and sleep.

Just before midnight, Girls are asleep, got to flop laundry. As a follow up to last nights post. Well Abigail hasn't repeated being interested in reading a word since the other night, but I'm steadfast, and loving, which is a hard combination but one I am getting better at achieving. But Abigail has been spelling and sounding out words, reluctantly perhaps, but I keep suggesting how amazing it will be when she can read words, then she can read notes from me. Okay she says, but only if I write what she tells me to write.

Abigail still doesn't want to let go in the morning at drop off, which is frustrating, but she also will clue you in to what she needs to let go. Today it was the little purple bear she won at Coney Island. Both my daughters cleaned up at the games at Coney Island when we went about a month ago. What with the candy and rides and games, I ended up spending what I had budgeted for the week on that one day. I didn't even win one prize at the carny games, of course I already have my two prizes.
So Abigail, she struggles with herself, and she is doing great, I love her. I'm not allowed to tell her I'm proud of her anymore, but I may still tell her I love her.

Sadie, she eats books, just devours them. I gave her Animal Farm to read, because the books on her second grade reading list were so easy. On night two of her reading Animal farm, I asked her how far she had gotten. Page 133. Shock and disbelief. However we had a big discussion, because although I love that she is such an avid reader, I think she may be reading too fast. It's something her First grade teacher, Miss Unay, was concerned about. Now in my family, we read fast, and in Junior High School I devoured 120 books in one month, real books like Childhood's End. 120 books, something like that. I asked Sadie the name of the pig, or the horse and she couldn't remember. So I talked with her about how she reads, and that maybe she could slow down, and she might get more out of the book. The goal isn't to read as fast as possible, the goal is to enjoy the book. Sadie says she reads at a pace that makes her happy.

It's a hard concept, getting more out of a book. I tell her that most everybody misses something the first time they read a book, which is why it is great to go back and read it again, and find something new. Sadie told me this suggestion Miss Unay had, about every three pages writing down key points from what you read on a post it note. So, I bought Post it notes today for her. I don't want this to be a test, and I explained, I just wanted her to understand that she might enjoy the book more, or get more from it if she took a little more time. Like looking around more when we walk. When she races she just focuses on getting to the finish line, the front door, but she might miss a beautiful bird. She seemed to understand, but I don't want to push that much. I can't really force them to do things the way I want them to, and I want them to enjoy the things the do.

Now to switch gears. ADHD, I hate having to plan, having a schedule, It has always felt like being trapped. Of course I wasn't very productive for all my life, very much fits and starts, and TV, oh forget it. Like a black Pit that I would get lost in. But I'll tell you, even though I still chaffe at having to be somewhere, or take care of something. It's the best thing, because even if I am so drained after work I can't get anything done, at least I'm working. And now, I've my kids, and I come home from work and have to fold the laundry, do more laundry, do the dishes, make their lunch, plan for playdates, and on and on, and I've no freedom, which is in a way great, because now, I've got my girls.

It isn't all about ADHD, there are other factors involved, and coming home on the subway is like being assaulted. Tonight with some people talking like New York Valley Girls. "Oh My G-d". Please please please I wanted to scream, stop ending every sentence with the same sound "ooooooonnnnnnggggg", Every damn sentence ended the same. It is about all I can do not to curl up in a ball, or scream at them. Any way it is late, and my thoughts disjointed. I'm sorry if this wasn't such a good read. Still finding my way.

Best

Frazzle

Time, always my enemy.

There is never enough when I'm with my kids. Too much to do. When they are away, all the time in the world to get things done, until there isn't. That is what life was always like, before my girls. Days would blend, and when did I get old? One day I was 24, then I woke up and I was 30. Now I wake up and every day I see 50 coming closer. A little more than ten years since I met the woman I would marry and have children with. Sadie is seven, Abigail five. Life is a constant battle with time now. How long I have with them, how much can I get done, how much can I spend. Oh how I hate schedules. Summer vacation was great, I took a week off, and it didn't matter if we got up late, no need to be anywhere on time. Okay, we didn't make it to the swimming pool, but the Land of Little Horses, sure, lets stay, why rush off when this is fun.

Last weekend, actually the weekend before,  I built a personality detector for Sadie. It was her idea, and she drew it up. She asked me to draw up a design, like an architect, because I have experience. Then we would compare drawings, and could I build it for her to take to her summer camp when she was with her mom. So I did, and sent it FEDEX because quite frankly, with the tape and the LED lights and the extra buttons, well lets just say I'd hate for Homeland security to get a look at it. Unfortunately Fedex screwed it up and delivered to the wrong house. When Sadie finally got it, we talked about it, and how to make it really work. During the conversation she told me that she wanted this to be our special thing, building things together. She didn't really want m to build things with Abigail, because that would take away from the specialness. She also felt bad saying this. Sadie is a wonderful big sister, and she is always giving in and giving up things to her little sister.

I told Sadie it was okay to want something special, that what I did with Sadie, and what I did with Abigail would always be different, ans as they grew older, what they each wanted to do would be different. I made sure to let her know that it was okay to be want to be first, and it is okay to care about yourself first. So hard to find the balance between being too selfless and being a Veruka Salt.

Jumping ahead, and to another topic, Abigail and last night. As I wrote, Abigail is great at figuring things out. Last night I was reading her a picture book version of Sleeping Beauty. I told Abigail I wanted her to help me read the wfirs workd of every sentence on the first page. Argument, delaying tactics, "I'm too tired", etc. This night, I finally dug in my heels, and calmly refused o let her get away with it. She did what she always does, she jumped ahead, trying to figure out the words based on the pictures. She is good, but we held fast, and sounded out the letters. Spelling, not an issue, but reading that is another matter. I love my daughter but in reading the word "finally" we worked at it, sounding out the letters, and then she went "Final Day" Well it was a picture of a sunset.

Excuse me it's 11:30pm, and I've got to go put the eggs on the stove to make hard boiled eggs for their lunch for tomorrow.

We made it, we struggled through. We did the first word of every sentence of the first page together. Then somewhere along the rest of the book she insisted on doing another word. That is something that has never happened before. I can't explain how obvious it is that she is guessing/compensating when "reading", I hate to be stern and unyielding about things, but the sooner she learns how to read, and how words sound, the easier time of things she will have.

Excuse timer beeped, eggs are done, be right back.

I'll post more about this tomorrow, I'm beat and need to get a few more things done before I can sleep.

Thanks for reading.

One Year, One Hell of a Year

Hello, and welcome.

It's been about a year since my wife and I had our worst day, the one that ended our marriage. Now the divorce process proceeds along it's path, and life is different.

I'm a dad, and being a dad to my two beautiful daughters Sadie and Abigail is the most important part of my life. I'm also diabetic and suffer from ADHD. It's a struggle, but I know far too many people who have it more difficult than I do to ever feel sorry for myself. I'm sad and upset that in the end my wife and I lost the love, caring and respect for each other we once had. I've come to accept that I am diabetic, and there is no cure for that. The ADHD, that's part of who I am, shaping me as I grew up, affecting how I worked, played, loved, and every facet of my life.

I'm 47, I have two kids and I'm separated from my wife. I'm overweight, have difficulty prioritizing, suffer with bouts of creative and productive energy, followed by long periods of blah. I used to freelance, but now I have a full time job, and organization is like a lover I get to embrace only once in a while. I don't really plan on dating, or becoming involved with anyone. I love my girls, and when I'm with them, that is our time, when I'm not with them, then that is my time.

I've spent most of my life trying to avoid problems and conflicts, but this is a mistake. Problems are only a difficult situation in search of a solution. I thought that by avoiding the problem or conflict, pushing it off, letting it solve itself was just the simpler way, the better way. It isn't.

There is more, always more, but we have plenty of time to find out about each other.

So Wednesday night I called my children to wish them good night. They are spending 3 weeks in N.J. in summer camp with their mom. I just saw them this past Sunday, wave jumping with them in the beach and then taking them out to dinner and ice cream. Abigail wanted to know if I had noticed how she wasn't getting upset over nothing, she does have a tendency to throw tantrums, and I told her yes and how proud I was of her.  Back to Wednesday night, I'm working over time and taking a short break to call my daughters. Abigail (age 5) started yelling at her mom, because her mom let me know that Abigail had thrown up earlier. I can't blame her, you have to share information like that with the other parent. Abigail is however extremely protective about her image, Abigail insists on approval of any pictures I want to post to Facebook. So while Abigail was ranting at her mother, I spoke with Sadie (age 7), we talked about the people tester we are designing. We also talked about a problem Sadie is having, where she wants to tell the truth, but when she does she says people get upset at her. It's hard tying to give counsel to your child when you are on the phone. She said Abigail was doing round-offs, but Abigail kept calling them cartwheels, and Sadie didn't like that Abigail was saying the wrong thing.

Its hard figure out this world, very hard. I don't want my children growing up thinking it is okay to lie about things. But it is hard to navigate when and what to say, and takes a long time to learn the nuances that the world requires. I tried to explain to Sadie that sometimes it is more important to encourage someone than make them face that they are making mistakes. Sometimes you say nothing, unless asked. Then you find a way to say something positive, like "those are very good", or "wow nice going. " That past Sunday when I drove out to Atlantic City to go wave jumping and take my daughters to dinner before driving back to Brooklyn that night, Abigail was claiming to read the parking signs as we drove by them, but Sadie doesn't feel that Abigail was reading, so she was claiming that Abigail was not telling the truth. I had to speak to Sadie away from Abigail about needing to encourage Abigail in reading, and not confront her so she feels bad and just gives up, and doesn't develop the "muscle" of working through hard things. Abigak is great at compensating for not reading, and she figures a lot of things out without reading. I know Abigail will read, there are some issues, which we are dealing with. Sadie was reading before she was four, I couldn't read until I was in third grade. Abigail is just entering Kindergarten, and I'm confident she will overcome this and learn to read.

Sadie is a great older sister, and I'm proud of her - I'm proud of both of my children. I'm her dad, and I want to help her out, although I know that the struggle, though painful and upsetting, is important. I went to relate a story to her about my sister Kate. Sadie interrupted to say "I know, when you were a kid, your sisters never believed you about things." OK that's true, but not the point I wanted to make, I guess that I use my childhood hood to give my daughters perspective quite a bit.

Anyway, I acknowledged Sadie, but then explained that my older sister Kate used to correct me a lot, even as we grew up and became adults, Kate would often correct me, which I found very upsetting. She was not always correct, but more often than not she was. For many many years, I told Sadie, I thought that Kate was pointing out that I made a grammatical mistake or used the wrong word just to win arguments and ignore what I was saying. One day we had a fight about that, and she finally explained that she knew I was smart, but was only pointing out the mistakes so I wouldn't make them when talking to others, so that others wouldn't discount me because I made a mistake.

Whether or not her attempts were effective wasn't the point. The point was that explanation changed how I viewed my older sister. Sadie just wants her younger sister to be accurate, and tell the truth - not telling lies, even if they are unintentional. So Sadie has the right idea, and I can't tell her she is incorrect, but she doesn't understand why it is she wants to do the correct thing, and help her sister, but she keeps getting told she is wrong. Sadie isn't wrong, but I told her about my issue with my sister so she would understand that even when doing the right thing, sometimes the person may not understand why you are doing it, and may become upset with you. The truth hurts, yep it certainly can. I did my best, on the phone to tell my daughter that she is wonderful, and really cares about her sister, but that sometimes you just have to let people make their mistakes.

I'm learning, just the first steps on a long long road, I'll be glad for the company.