Just a quick little note, and then to shower and sleep.

Just before midnight, Girls are asleep, got to flop laundry. As a follow up to last nights post. Well Abigail hasn't repeated being interested in reading a word since the other night, but I'm steadfast, and loving, which is a hard combination but one I am getting better at achieving. But Abigail has been spelling and sounding out words, reluctantly perhaps, but I keep suggesting how amazing it will be when she can read words, then she can read notes from me. Okay she says, but only if I write what she tells me to write.

Abigail still doesn't want to let go in the morning at drop off, which is frustrating, but she also will clue you in to what she needs to let go. Today it was the little purple bear she won at Coney Island. Both my daughters cleaned up at the games at Coney Island when we went about a month ago. What with the candy and rides and games, I ended up spending what I had budgeted for the week on that one day. I didn't even win one prize at the carny games, of course I already have my two prizes.
So Abigail, she struggles with herself, and she is doing great, I love her. I'm not allowed to tell her I'm proud of her anymore, but I may still tell her I love her.

Sadie, she eats books, just devours them. I gave her Animal Farm to read, because the books on her second grade reading list were so easy. On night two of her reading Animal farm, I asked her how far she had gotten. Page 133. Shock and disbelief. However we had a big discussion, because although I love that she is such an avid reader, I think she may be reading too fast. It's something her First grade teacher, Miss Unay, was concerned about. Now in my family, we read fast, and in Junior High School I devoured 120 books in one month, real books like Childhood's End. 120 books, something like that. I asked Sadie the name of the pig, or the horse and she couldn't remember. So I talked with her about how she reads, and that maybe she could slow down, and she might get more out of the book. The goal isn't to read as fast as possible, the goal is to enjoy the book. Sadie says she reads at a pace that makes her happy.

It's a hard concept, getting more out of a book. I tell her that most everybody misses something the first time they read a book, which is why it is great to go back and read it again, and find something new. Sadie told me this suggestion Miss Unay had, about every three pages writing down key points from what you read on a post it note. So, I bought Post it notes today for her. I don't want this to be a test, and I explained, I just wanted her to understand that she might enjoy the book more, or get more from it if she took a little more time. Like looking around more when we walk. When she races she just focuses on getting to the finish line, the front door, but she might miss a beautiful bird. She seemed to understand, but I don't want to push that much. I can't really force them to do things the way I want them to, and I want them to enjoy the things the do.

Now to switch gears. ADHD, I hate having to plan, having a schedule, It has always felt like being trapped. Of course I wasn't very productive for all my life, very much fits and starts, and TV, oh forget it. Like a black Pit that I would get lost in. But I'll tell you, even though I still chaffe at having to be somewhere, or take care of something. It's the best thing, because even if I am so drained after work I can't get anything done, at least I'm working. And now, I've my kids, and I come home from work and have to fold the laundry, do more laundry, do the dishes, make their lunch, plan for playdates, and on and on, and I've no freedom, which is in a way great, because now, I've got my girls.

It isn't all about ADHD, there are other factors involved, and coming home on the subway is like being assaulted. Tonight with some people talking like New York Valley Girls. "Oh My G-d". Please please please I wanted to scream, stop ending every sentence with the same sound "ooooooonnnnnnggggg", Every damn sentence ended the same. It is about all I can do not to curl up in a ball, or scream at them. Any way it is late, and my thoughts disjointed. I'm sorry if this wasn't such a good read. Still finding my way.

Best

Frazzle

Time, always my enemy.

There is never enough when I'm with my kids. Too much to do. When they are away, all the time in the world to get things done, until there isn't. That is what life was always like, before my girls. Days would blend, and when did I get old? One day I was 24, then I woke up and I was 30. Now I wake up and every day I see 50 coming closer. A little more than ten years since I met the woman I would marry and have children with. Sadie is seven, Abigail five. Life is a constant battle with time now. How long I have with them, how much can I get done, how much can I spend. Oh how I hate schedules. Summer vacation was great, I took a week off, and it didn't matter if we got up late, no need to be anywhere on time. Okay, we didn't make it to the swimming pool, but the Land of Little Horses, sure, lets stay, why rush off when this is fun.

Last weekend, actually the weekend before,  I built a personality detector for Sadie. It was her idea, and she drew it up. She asked me to draw up a design, like an architect, because I have experience. Then we would compare drawings, and could I build it for her to take to her summer camp when she was with her mom. So I did, and sent it FEDEX because quite frankly, with the tape and the LED lights and the extra buttons, well lets just say I'd hate for Homeland security to get a look at it. Unfortunately Fedex screwed it up and delivered to the wrong house. When Sadie finally got it, we talked about it, and how to make it really work. During the conversation she told me that she wanted this to be our special thing, building things together. She didn't really want m to build things with Abigail, because that would take away from the specialness. She also felt bad saying this. Sadie is a wonderful big sister, and she is always giving in and giving up things to her little sister.

I told Sadie it was okay to want something special, that what I did with Sadie, and what I did with Abigail would always be different, ans as they grew older, what they each wanted to do would be different. I made sure to let her know that it was okay to be want to be first, and it is okay to care about yourself first. So hard to find the balance between being too selfless and being a Veruka Salt.

Jumping ahead, and to another topic, Abigail and last night. As I wrote, Abigail is great at figuring things out. Last night I was reading her a picture book version of Sleeping Beauty. I told Abigail I wanted her to help me read the wfirs workd of every sentence on the first page. Argument, delaying tactics, "I'm too tired", etc. This night, I finally dug in my heels, and calmly refused o let her get away with it. She did what she always does, she jumped ahead, trying to figure out the words based on the pictures. She is good, but we held fast, and sounded out the letters. Spelling, not an issue, but reading that is another matter. I love my daughter but in reading the word "finally" we worked at it, sounding out the letters, and then she went "Final Day" Well it was a picture of a sunset.

Excuse me it's 11:30pm, and I've got to go put the eggs on the stove to make hard boiled eggs for their lunch for tomorrow.

We made it, we struggled through. We did the first word of every sentence of the first page together. Then somewhere along the rest of the book she insisted on doing another word. That is something that has never happened before. I can't explain how obvious it is that she is guessing/compensating when "reading", I hate to be stern and unyielding about things, but the sooner she learns how to read, and how words sound, the easier time of things she will have.

Excuse timer beeped, eggs are done, be right back.

I'll post more about this tomorrow, I'm beat and need to get a few more things done before I can sleep.

Thanks for reading.